BONUS BLOG: Confrontation

In my effort to complete this serial before the Help The Kids Tournament, I'm pounding out two chapters this week and probably the last one next Monday.  Then I promise, back to the regular carving-up of people that we all know and love.  But that will only happen once proper attention has been paid to HTKP.   

PART V of a Trilogy of IV VI

Confrontation

PART I - Background
PART II - The Dancey Interview
PART III - The Furious Five
PART IV - The Detour

This ordeal was quickly coming to a conclusion. However, it had become so complicated that I couldn't even keep track of it any more. Dancey connected to the Furious Five, connected to Gord Robertson, connected to the Kawatche Caves, connected to the atomic number of iodine, connected to the ancient representation of the letter "W" which translates to an "R" in our alphabet. All leading to an unknown answer to an unasked question. I tried mapping it all out, but that was even more confusing.

I patiently awaited word from Jens or Scott on setting up the fake meeting with Gord. As agreed, we wouldn't speak to each other until it had been confirmed. I even blew by Scott on opening day of the ball season to make my point! I didn't even say hi. That's called commitment to a plan! We agreed that Gord's code name would be "Freddie" (for obvious reasons). The questions mounted with my confusion. My latest question, was "who the hell are the Kawatche??? And why did they live in caves?

Finally one night in week three of this season, I got a Facebook instant message from Jens. They had successfully arranged for a secret meeting between "Freddie" and the Furious Five. The meeting would take place in week four at the Legion. Week 4 was perfect because there was an executive meeting on the Wednesday and no early games scheduled.

I quickly made a few phone calls and explained that I'd be "late" for the executive meeting (they had no idea 'why' of course) as we put our plan into action. This couldn't possibly be going any better! Now to finish the job.

Gord would be expecting the Legion to be quiet as he came in to meet his group in the basement meeting room. We wouldn't disappoint him. We had gathered our "tools" to extract the truth from poor Gord.

EDITORS NOTE:   If you get queasy you shouldn't read on.  If you didn't like Scarface you should abandon this now.  If you found The Muppet's Take Manhattan to be a little on the violent side, then this is not for you.  You have been fairly warned.

As Gord walked in to the dark room Jens was immediate in turning on a flood light that shone directly into Gord's eyes, disorienting him. I kicked a chair in place behind him and slammed the door while Scott spoke into a voice modulator:

Scott: [speaking slowly through the modulator] Sit down Mr Robertson.

Gord: [stumbles to his chair] Who are you? How many people are there.
Jens: You don't need to concern yourself with how many people are here.
Gord: Jens? Is that you?
Doug: Jens! You didn't speak into the voice modulator!!!
Gord: Doug?
Doug: Oh, crap...Okay, so we both forgot.

Gord: What are you two doing here is there someone else? I can't see with the light in my eyes.
Scott: [still the only one using the modulator] Mr Robertson, we know who you are.
Gord: Of course you do, we've played ball together for years.
Scott: No Mr Robertson, we know that you are the Grand Master.
Gord: The what?
Jens: Come on Gord, there is no sense denying anything anymore, you came here tonight to meet with the Furious Five. Just admit it already.
Gord: Guys, the only reason I'm here is that I got a goofy email from Jim Rouleau. It reminded me of that one that led to the impromptu sing-along last year; but no one is here. What can I say? I like to sing.

Jens: [slamming his fist on the table - then wincing in pain] Gord, you were the only one to get the email because you are the leader of a secret society. I'm sorry Gord, but we've got it figured out and its undeniable, we have proof. Look, I don't want have to go here, but I will....we can make you talk.
Scott [still using the modulator] I'm sorry Gord this is your last chance.
Gord: [looking a little worried] If there's a punch-line here guys, I'm ready.
Scott: Jens, go ahead.

EDITORS NOTE:   Seriously...if you read on from this point you have no one to blame but yourself.

[Jens pulls a large black cloth bag from under the table. He makes quite a production of rummaging around for the a particular item inside. He finds what he's looking for and pulls out what at first looks like an etch-a-sketch. As I look closer, I can see that it has a black front, the shock and realization that we would go this far overwhelms me; the horror on poor Gord's face is palpable. Poor bastard. Scott throws me and Jens ear plugs]

Jens: [holding the apparatus next to Gord's ear] Well Gord, we gave you every opportunity to fess up. We have no alternative.

 [The ear plugs blocked most of the sound of the nails on the chalk board. It did nothing to block the screaming. That will haunt me forever. It went on for a good 15 minutes. A weaker man would have broke. But this was Gord Robertson. He was the Grand Master for a reason.]

Scott: Okay Jens that's enough.
Jens: Are we going to get answers now Gord?
Gord: Boys, if I could make up something I would, but I don't have the first Idea what you're talking about.
Scott: Show him the picture [Jens puts the picture in front of Gord] Are you going to claim that this isn't you sitting on the far right?

Gord: That picture is almost 150 years old.
Jens: A-ha!!!! That proves it's you. How else would you know how old it is?
Gord: No, it proves I can read, it says "taken in 1867" on it.
Jens: Oh, right. Well look at the picture.
Gord: Okay, so what?  Even if it is someone who looked a bit like me, which it DOESN'T!  What would that even prove?
Scott: We know that's you Gord. Its time for you to admit what you know and what you're planning.
Gord: Tell me the truth, you guys have been drinking and watching Harry Potter haven't you? I'm Gord Robertson, not professor frickin' Snape!  The last thing I want are the fingernails on the chalk board again; but you need to know that this is ridiculous. Not only impossible and illogical, but completely and utterly ridiculous!
Jens: Turn the flood light off.[Before any one's eyes can adjust to the sudden and complete darkness, a rectangle of light appears on the wall. The light is replaced by an image....

[The movie starts playing. Jens, Scott and I turn our backs and keep our ear plugs secured tightly. The sobbing is almost unbearable. We're all saddened by this but understand that its necessary. One hour and 38 minutes later we turn back around to see Gord slumped in his chair. He's out, there is only so much a man can take.]

Scott: [Quietly] Okay, if he doesn't spill now, we've got to let him go. We can't go further than High School musical.
Jens: I don't want to either but we do have one more option available.
Me: Jens, we can't. I looked it up and its in violation of the Geneva Convention.
Gord: [groggy] What's going on?
Scott: Welcome back Mr. Robertson. Would you like to tell us what you know about the number 53?
Gord: Its a prime number?
Scott: I see. Would you like to tell us about the Kawatche caves?
Gord: They contain stalactites and stalagmites?
Scott: Okay, I suppose you have no comment on Furious Five?
Gord: Weren't they the backup for Grand Master Flash?
Jens: Finally! Some acknowledgement! Thank you Gord. And of course you are the Grand Master! You can tell us, its okay!
Gord: What? We're back to that? Guys, Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five were rappers from the South Bronx back in the 70's. You must have heard of them. [Gord is met with blank stares]. I think someone is playing with you guys. You've been had!

Jens: Are you saying that you're a rapper?
Gord:  No!  I'm saying this is a joke.  Someone is playing a joke on you.
Jens:  Someone has been playing with us all right. You!

[Jens is rummaging in his black bag again.....He finds what he's looking for and sets a CD player on the table. He pulls a CD from somewhere inside that jean jacket of his and puts it on. He cranks it 12. The heavy guitar intro is unmistakable. You never mistake the "G" Chord. Ever. Once through the intro the drums kick in. What should be coming any second is the impossibly hi pitched voice of Brian Johnson from AC/DC, but I know what's really going to happen. The worst torture that could befall a man.

We were about to be subjected to "shook me all night long", being performed by Celine Dion". Just as I was bracing for the first screech the door was kicked kicked in. A Hulking Hooded Figure stood where the door used to be.]

Hulking Hooded Figure: [In a voice far to loud to be of earthly origins] You will stop this travesty at once!
Jens: [Stuttering slowly] Are you the Grand Master?
Hulking Hooded Figure: [not getting any quieter] Yes. I will answer all of your questions after you release Mr. Robertson. [looking at Gord] Jesus loves you more than you will know. [Looking at me and Scott] You two should be ashamed of yourselves. [looking at Jens] Get that ridiculous Habs shirt off.

NEXT CHAPTER:  Revelation.

T.O.T Weakly Supplement - Week 8 Review

What you may of missed!

• Down Town Billy Brown's game review....CLICK ME
• From the Red Dog's game....CLICK ME
• From the Dusty Cleats game....CLICK ME
• The Donini 3 stars is under repair.

Congratulations and Thanks

As you are all well aware, we are constantly challenged to field teams due to work schedules, vacations and other understandable commitments.  Because of this we rely on our pool of subs to help bail us out when things get tight.  Here are the 5 busiest sub-players so far this year, its because of them that we don't end up with a ton of forfeits.  Thanks for your participation guys!!!

• David Polney
• Don Booth
• Steve DeLand
• Dave Argue
• Anicete Goncalves

 The Weakly Supplement!

Upcoming BLOGs

• GAME 12: Fly Balls (I could really use a hit right now)

GAME 11: Me and Bobby's Bum Knee

THE INTRO

Ladies and Gentlemen.   After multiple threats to my personal well being, I have decided to suspend and potentially stop the investigative report into a secret society operating with our league.  After consulting with my attorney, she has advised me to allow the police to conclude their investigation prior to making taking any further action.  Once I have the full picture, I will determine whether or not it is worth the safety risks to continue. 

In the meantime, please accept this rather hastily thrown together and hopefully moderately entertaining game 11 BLOG. 

I was a little down after the loss to the Red Dogs.  I'll admit it.  We had been playing so well as a team in all facets of the game and were completely flat against the Red Dogs.  It was disappointing. 

I was talking to Jim "Mickey" Mannell afterward.  I said something along the lines of, "Jim, how can it go so bad, so fast?  There has to be a way to stay consistent."   Jim replied saying, "don't be such a sour %x*&er, you dumb ^%@#. "  That Mickey.  Such a way with the language. 

Then he said, "you know....there is a sure fire way to win, but it'll cost you".  "Jim", I said, "I ain't doing no 'roids, its not going to happen."   Jim of course said, "don't be such a stupid "%x*&er, you dumb ^%@#.   I'm not talking about 'roids, I'm talking about a guaranteed victory". 

"Okay, how does that work", I ask?

"I have a pamphlet at home, I'll send it to you", Mickey replies.

Below you will find the pamphlet I received from Mickey Mannell.  I'm strongly considering this:

How To Sell Your Soul

1. Determine how much your soul is worth

As with many things in this topic, this is a tricky one. People generally make the mistake of thinking that there is only one buyer for souls, but that's not the case. If you are ill informed you won't have the good fortune of playing sides against each other. You can artificially drive the price up if you don't single-thread your selling techniques. You have to look at other people who sold their soul and determine whether your soul is of less, equal or higher value. Establish your market!

Lets look at some examples. Hanson sold their souls in order to get one hit song (Mmmmmbop). But those were 3 relatively innocent children. How does your soul compare with that? Barry Bonds sold his soul to be the home run king, surely you can establish that your soul was purer than his.

But don't be foolish here, you must be discerning and SPECIFIC. For example, George W. Bush sold his soul to be 10 times smarter without realizing that this would still keep him well below average intelligence.

Is your goal to win the championship? Or is your goal to win the championship and be your team's star while doing so? Or is your goal to win the championship, be your team's star and be adored? These variables matter, make sure you take that all into account when discussing value!

2. Determine whether or not you need a lawyer

Once you determine your soul's perceived value you need to decide whether or not you will use a lawyer to handle the sale and contract negotiation. 

This can be problematic.

Lawyers are well versed in transactions concerning the soul. They are also a bit of risk because they are frequently tied to the buyer (obviously). If you do retain a lawyer, they will take up to 25% of your sale. Its just the way it works. However, if you get a good lawyer (oxymoron, I know) they may be able to get you way more than you could have on your own and would thereby 'pay for themselves'.

Lawyering is personal decision.

3. List your soul

This is the easiest part. This is where "I wish" becomes "I want" or "I will". This is a non-verbal decision. The buyers will know when you're ready.

4. Know your Buyers

There are many potential buyers for your soul. Over the last 15 years (all data from STATS CAN), 96% of all souls have been purchased by one of the following: Satan, The Devil, The Serpent, The Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Lucifer, The Prince of Demons, Belail, The Angel of Deepness, The Prince of Devils, Beelzebub, The Fallen Angel, The Cloven One, The Foul Fiend, The Prince of Demons, The Prince of Darkness, The Prince of Pain, Diablo and Mephistopheles.

While your buyer is most likely to come from this group, a new category of buyer has slowly emerged. These are people who have previously sold their soul and are now trying to purchase a replacement soul. The secondary soul market nearly doubling every year! People who have recently sold there soul and may be willing to pay a hefty price for a replacement include: Zedeno Chara, Alex Rodriquez, Lebron James, Rob Ford and Sarah Palin.

5.  Market your soul

There are a few important things here. First DO NOT accept offers for the first week that your soul is on the market. This will create a little bit anxiety among the buyers and get rid of the speculators because they know it will be a competitive market.

On the last day of the "no offers period", you should strongly consider hosting an Open Soul for prospective buyers. If you do this, it is CRITICAL that you properly stage your soul. Hi-light the open areas and put shinny things in the well lit areas as it will make your soul appear roomier. Avoid calling attention to the darker recesses of your soul. Those areas will do nothing for your sale price. You want your soul to look clean, big and inviting.

A common mistake is to assume that all potential buyers are looking for the same thing. They aren't. You may have the perfect soul for the Sarah Palin, but not for the Prince of Pain. Now if you make your soul 'generically' appealing you might make it interesting enough for the Prince of Pain to put an offer in; but you will probably only drive down the price that Sarah Palin would have paid. Just remember that you can't please everyone.

6. Wait for offers.

If you've done everything correctly to this point, you should recieve multiple offers.

If you don't receive multiple offers, a) DON'T PANIC! b) DON'T DROP YOUR PRICE. If there is no action for a week or so, consider taking your soul off the market. The typical reason for a soul not selling is that it isn't clean enough. If you take it off the market, follow all the steps again and hire a professional stager. It will cost a bit, but they will have your soul looking like Mother Theresa's in a heartbeat.

7. Get a soul inspector

Again, tricky. Soul inspectors are often 'greased' by buyers. I think its best if you hire your inspector before you even list your soul. This way their commitment is to you.

8. Close the deal.

If you don't have a lawyer, READ THE FINE PRINT!

THE SPEECH

This song was written by Rob Farah during the draft.  After we drafted Bob Smith I looked at Rob and said, didn't he used to play for the Minnesota North Stars?  And Rob said, "I've got the perfect song"!

So Robbie ran out to the car and got some music sheet paper and his beat up old guitar and started putting it all together.  Can you believe that he only missed one round of the draft writing this?  Before your knew it the Janis Joplin (or Kris Kristofferson) anthem, "Me and Bobby McGee" was reworked and vastly improved to "Me and Bobby's Bum Knee". 

EDITORS NOTE:  this is probably one of the best 3 songs, EVER

For the music, CLICK ME

Me and Bobby’s Bum Knee

Busted flat in Beeton, waiting for the steam train
And I'm feeling nearly as faded as my jeans
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained,
It rode us all the way to Coventry.

Bob jumped out the flat bed, slipped on a dirty wet banana
At first my heart was broken and Bobby sang the blues.
Dream of championships left me, I was looking at Bobby's knee and began to whine,
Even the truck driver knew that we were screwed.

Baseball's just another word for breaking all the rules
Rules don't mean nothing brother to Bobby's knee, now now.
And if feeling good was easy, Lord, then we'd be on a cruise
You know feeling good enough was good enough for me
Good enough for me and Bobby's bum knee.

From Bolton and its coal mines to the Alliston and the sun,
Hey, Bobby played like his knee was all whole
Through all kinds of weather, through every game we won,
Kept Bobby busy, he never missed a throw.

One day up near Keogh, I saw him slip that day,
He went to the ground, and people though he'd had it.
But I knew better, after how he made it back from the fall that day,
Knew Bobby's knee would be just fine.

Baseball's just another word for breaking all the rules
Rules don't mean nothing brother to Bobby's knee, now now.
And if feeling good was easy, Lord, then we'd be on a cruise
You know feeling good enough was good enough for me
Good enough for me and Bobby's bum knee.

La la la, la la la la, la la la, la la la la
La la la la la Bobby's bum knee
La la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la la, Bobby's bum knee la.

La La la, la la la la la la,
La La la la la la la la la, this is the anthem for Bobby's bum knee yeah.
Na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na na
Hey now Bobby now, Bobby's bum knee, yeah.

Lord, he's the the number one glover, call him "the man"
I said, number glover, call him "the man"
C'mon, hey now Bobby's bum knee yeah, hey now Bobby's bum knee, yeah,
Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby's bum knee, Lord!
Yeah! Whew!
Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby's bum knee.

The Game

Roofies can be dangerous.  Fortunately I feel very rested!

 

So...we still have an undefeated team in our ranks, but not for lack of effort from the Grisslies.  We now pass the mantle of "chance to knock off the loss-less" to Frank Laird and the Banshees. 

 

Like a few (not many) teams before us, we gave them a game, but it wasn't enough.  We were missing our starting Short Stop, Bob "Minnesota" Smith and because of that our infield was a little patchwork.  They were missing a couple of quality players too so we'll call the missing team mates on both sides an "approximate" wash. 

 

We came out scoring five in the first and it took them a bit to get going, but the game really came down to the last two innings.  The Grisslies came back in the bottom of the 6th to narrow the gap to 2 runs on the strength of a rally started by Mickey Mannell, Dave "don't call me Terry" Doucette and Rene Stephanne Simard. In the top of the 7th we locked it down defensively. 

 

With the gap still two in the bottom of the 7th, we couldn't get a single base runner aboard and we ended up losing by those 2 runs.  It was a well played game by both sides.  I'm hoping we meet again. 

 

Punch Imlach once said, "If you can't beat them on the ice; beat them in the alley".  The Grisslies lived that edict last night, but with a slight twist.  "If you can't beat them on the field; out drink them in the Legion". 

 

Our drinking form was stellar last night.  Everyone stepped up.  I have to say, Rob Hayward led by example.  Its great when you're best drinker is also supportive of team mates who don't rate quite as highly as a drinker.  Robbie was the bomb, filling up glasses, encouraging people to get another pitcher, cheering on the 'average-drinkers'...great leadership.  And The Wad was amazing.  He's known for blazing speed and he did not disappoint.  He's known for going 1st to 3rd in a blink of an eye and last night he got from his 1st to 3rd pint in a blink of an eye. 

 

Guys, I couldn't be prouder of your Legion performance.  The fact that the Grisslies closed the joint is a testament to our stick-to-it-ive-ness (probably not a word). 

 

This brings me to another part of the night...the part I like the best as people start to leave and tables join together.  As I looked around at one point (and I had to write this down because my memory is horrible), there were guys from 8 different teams having a great time.  That may not seem unusual, but consider that only 4 different teams were playing last night. 

 

Great night on and off the diamond gents!

 

 

GAME 10: Hunter Drank Them Both

THE INTRO

Part IV of a Trilogy of IV V

The Detour

PART I - Background
PART II - The Dancey Interview
PART III - The Furious Five

So much for a four part trilogy. 

As usual there was a huge gap in the story.  And, equally as usual, there was a curve ball, in a non-baseball sense.  The meeting with the Furious Five was very entertaining, but nothing further happened after the fire pit rendezvous.  Chance meetings with these boys returned to business as usual affairs.  Not even a nudge or a wink through the playoffs.  It was like the Grand Master Flash conversation never happened.  The Dancey interview?  A distant memory.

The finals were played.  The Wild won.  Again.  Fall came.  The AGM came and went and a long arduous winter set in. 

As things began to thaw in 2011, I was finally able to look ahead to the baseball season and penetrating the mystery again.  Thank god. 

The first big item on the season's roster was rookie night at the Legion!  This is where all new players to the league are invited for a pint and introductions to the captains. 

I didn't stay too late that night and as I was walking home, a car pulled up beside me.  The window opened a crack and an ominous voice firmly said, "get in".  It didn't sound like a request.  So like any normal person would do, I hopped in!

I barely made it into the seat before the car sped off like it was shot out of a slingshot.  Zero to whatever in seconds.  A quick and very nervous glance around showed the driver as the only occupant in the car.  As we hit Queen street he skidded on two wheels to avoid a fire hydrant.  The light at Mill Street turned green just as we reached it and he banked hard again heading west bound past the conservation area.

Finally moving a straight line, I felt confident enough to look over at the driver and saw....Jens Lepa?  Seriously?  About the nicest guy in the league (not counting Scott Peters) driving like a madman, pretty much abducting a fellow player off the street and sweating bullets.

Me:  [yelling] Jens, what the hell is going on?   
Jens:  [edgy, talking fast]  You're in over your head Dwyer.  This is bigger than you know.

Me:  What are you talking about?  What's over my head? (not wanting to give away what I knew)
Jens:  I'm not making short jokes here Doug.  You know exactly what I'm talking about [turns south on the Adjala town line].  This is no game.  I know about your interview. 

Me:  Are you talking about Jeff Dancey?  I haven't done any interviews since then. 
Jens:  Don't screw around with me Dwyer.  They're watching.  Dancey is small Tomatoes. 
Me:  Potatoes?
Jens:  No thanks, I'm too worried to eat.  We know about the Furious Five.  We know about Grand Master Flash.  We know about "53".  We know about the Kawatche caves.  We know plenty that you haven't even scratched the surface of.  You're playing with dangerous people.  Oh the things I've seen Hargreaves do to a man.  [shudders]

Me:  Okay, I have way too many questions.  [car turns again onto highway 9 heading east to Newmarket].  Lets start with, who are 'we'?
Jens:  'We' are me and my partner.  'We' have been researching this long before you came into the picture and started dropping painfully obvious clues into your stupid BLOG.  We've uncovered almost enough to topple this house of cards and 'we' are not about to let you blow years of research. 

Me:  Why are you driving like a mad man?
Jens:  Because [raising his voice and still talking fast] they're onto you.  They might be onto me too.  Its just a matter of staying low key, undercover and out of their way.

Me:  Okay, okay, okay....just relax.  Tell me what you know. 
Jens:  [glances in his rear view mirror]  In due time.  It looks like we're not being followed. [He slows just under the speed of sound]  We are meeting my partner in a secret location in Newmarket.   I suggest you sit back and take it easy for 15 minutes. 

[Four minutes later, pulling into the Taco Bell on Yonge St. in Newmarket]

Jens:  We're here.
Me:  you're hungry now?

Jens:  Hungry?  No.  I told you that when you offered me potatoes.  Why do carry potatoes with you anyway?  Never mind, this is the meeting location.
Me:  I thought you said it was a secret?  In a Taco Bell parking lot?

Jens:  No.  Don't be afraid to use your brain from time to time, there's nothing secret about a parking lot.  We're meeting INSIDE the Taco Bell. 
Me:  Of course we are!
[We walk inside the restaurant, there are a few people sitting around eating, mostly bean burritos as I recall.  In the corner is a man standing over a table with his back to us, he's intently scouring papers that are strewn across 3 tables.]

Jens:  Hey, I've got him.
[The man turns to face us, its Scott Peters!  Seriously?  About the nicest guy in the league (not counting Jens Lepa)]
Me:  Okay, this is completely wacko.  YOU TWO are the counter-culture to the evils lurking behind this league?
Scott:   Pretty much, but we're not so sure its "evils" per-se.

Me:  Right Scott.  Secret society, secret organization, a leader no one can identify, Jens freaking out that we're being watched, sounds totally normal. 
Jens:  We debate this ALL THE TIME.
Scott:  Did he drive like a nut case again?
Me: Ya think?  We got here in 4 minutes!
Scott:   We talked about this Jens
Jens:  [checking the door] Look, you handle things your way.  Me?  I'm taking no chances.

Me: I thought you guys were on the same side?  Jen's said you were partners.
Scott:  Yeah, we've worked together to gather data, but our interpretation of it is very different.  I think we're dealing with a largely benevolent organization that has no intention of doing anything sinister, they are just clandestine about what they are up to and why.
Jens:  Yeah, sounds completely plausible in a "Scott's lost his mind" kind of way.  I don't know that we're talking about world domination here, but we are clearly about to witness the imminent fall of New Tecumseth
Me:  The "fall of New Tecumseth"?  What would that even look like.
Jens:  [shivers]  New Tec will be unrecognizable.  Like the desserts of Tatooine.  Like Bruce Jenner after his face lift.  Like when Celine Dion covered "Shook me all night long". Like when -
Scott:  Dude, we get it, it'll be bad.
Me: Wait a minute - did Celine Dion really cover "shook me all night long"?
Jens:  Normally, I have NOTHING bad to say about Quebec or Queen Celine; but her version of "shook me all night long" is the perfect song to play if you've just ingested poison and urgently need to induce vomiting.
Me: I guess so!

Me: So Scott, you guys have divergent conclusions, I'm pretty clear on Jens apocalyptic tale.  Can you expand on yours?
Scott:  I'm stuck between two theories right now.  One is that the league founders, or at least a component of them are; aliens.
Me: Okay, I think I'm done. [taking a step to the door] I can hitch-hike back to town.
[Jens puts a gargantuan hand on my shoulder and pushes me back into a poorly designed acrylic swivel seat.  It was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a real chair.]
Scott:  The second theory, and this one is a little weird, is that -
Me:  Weirder than aliens?
Scott:  Yes, weirder than aliens.  The second is that the founders actually date back to 1867 and the first professional baseball league.  And actually, there is a third theory that combines the two.
Me:  Before I get the straight jackets, do you have ANY evidence?

Jens:  [agitated and talking fast again]  Do we ever!  You know how Velcro isn't from earth, right?
Me: [I look at Scott, who I'm surprised to see is nodding in agreement] You two seem pretty sure, I'll play along.  Where is it from again?
Jens:  You seriously don't know? [Jens looks again at Scott, who shrugs] Okay, the year is 1947 - a spaceship crash lands just outside of Roswell New Mexico.  After a subsequent cover up by the government (who may or may not have been aliens themselves), the remnants of the crash were moved 500 miles north west to an area called "Paradise Ranch" by the army.  You might know Paradise by Ranch by the CIA's name for it:  The CIA calls it "Area 51".
[Scott nodding]
Later that year Velcro is "supposedly" invented.  But its common knowledge that its alien technology stolen from what was initially thought to be seamless spacesuits.
[Scott still nodding]

Me:  Okay.  I need to make sure I've got this right.  So a space ship crashes?
Jens:  Yep, its a documented fact!
Me:  And the government covers it up and moves everything to an army base?
Scott:  We know this to be 100% true. 
Me:  And I can only assume that scientists poured over the wreckage, the aliens, the contents of what was on board, everything - right?
Jens:  Damned straight.
Me:  And you're telling me that the ONLY thing we got out of that entire exercise was Velcro?
[Jens and Scott look at each other]
Jens:  Look, you can believe or not believe.  There was no Velcro before Roswell and there was Velcro after Roswell.  Do the math. 
Me:  Okay, so lets say I believe it.  What is the relate to the league and the Founders?

Scott:  Well Sherlock, look at all the older guys in the league, and I mean ALL of them.  What do they have in common?  They DON'T DROP THE BALL.  EVER. 
Me:  Ahhh...and of course you think that they are using Velcro for some kind of an unfair advantage. 
Scott:  No. Obviously Velcro was a precursor to more advanced alien technology.  They are using something, probably involving vulcanized rubber, magnets and egg yolks. 

Me:  [shaking my head] Still need proof boys.  What have you really got. 
Scott:  Look at this picture. Notice anything?

Me:  Looks like the 1st pro baseball team ever, the 1867 Cincinnati Red Stockings.
Jens:  Look closer.
Me:  I've got nothing.
Scott:  Bottom row, far right. 
Me:  What?  The freakishly tall guy with the moustache? 
Jens:  Yeah.  Ever see someone sit exactly like that waiting to get served at the legion?
Me:  Maybe, I don't know...Actually, okay...Gord Robertson sits like that and kind of looks a bit like that guy too.  "a bit!"   
Scott:  DAMNED STRAIGHT HE DOES!
Jens:  No doubt about it.  Its Robertson alright.   
Me:  Guys!  No way.  This is conjecture not evidence.  Its not even a picture, its a drawing of a picture.
Jens:  Should I tell him?
Scott:  Go ahead.

Jens:  [Jens takes a deep breath] You actually discovered the last bit of evidence that tied it all together.
Me:  Really?  This should be good.
Scott:  Remember the codes you found in the logo?
Me:  Yep
Scott:  Well one in particular were the letters, Σ σ ς, which were adapted from Greek to be combined into one letter in the Phoenician alphabet.
Me:  I know, I covered all this.
Scott:  Sort of.  You were right that it represented the letter Sigma and that the letter looked like a "W".  However, you didn't finish decoding the cryptology.  Sigma is the 18th letter in the Greek alphabet.  The 18th letter of our alphabet is an "R".  Gords last name starts with an "R".  It has to be Robertson who is the ringleader, It has to be Robertson who is the brains behind whatever is going on here.  It can't be a coincidence.
Me:  Uhhhh.  Yes it can.  What about what about Steve Ross?  What about Brian Richards?  What about Jim Rouleau? Their names start with "R's".  Why not them?
Jens:  Because none of those guys are in that picture.
Scott:  Actually, we thought about that....but there is something else.  Gord Robertson hasn't aged in the last 15 years.  Have you noticed?  He's looked the same for years.  In fact, you could build an argument that he's getting better every year.  You saw him hit a ball out of Keogh this year.  You know how good he is.   How can this be possible?  Ask yourself this Doug, 'how can a guy suddenly start hitting home runs and balls against the fence seemingly out of nowhere?  Particularly at the age he CLAIMS to be.  How can he have reflexes like lightening at first base?  How is it that he NEVER drops a ball?'  If you have an answer, let us know because we've got nothing.
Me:  Okay, NOW you might be on to something.  But I still feel like there needs to be something more substantial.
Jens:  Well he does have a Cincinnati Reds cap.
Me:  Like I said - more substantial.
Scott:  Look at this [pointing down to one of the pieces of paper on the table top]
Me:  At that red dot there?
Scott:  No, that's where I spilled taco sauce....I meant here [points again]
Jens:  Mmmmm, taco sauce.
Me:  Yeah, its a picture of letter "T" from the Old Timer's logo?
Scott:  Sort of.  It looks exactly the same doesn't it?  But its a 500 year old drawing from those Kawatche caves.  Eerie, isn't it?
Me:  Get out!  Our logo is EXACTLY the same. 
Jens:  But here is the really weird part....guess who was on the committee to design the Logo?
Me:  No way. 
Scott & Jens:  Gord flippin' Robertson!
[My mind is reeling now.  I absently take a bite of a half eaten seven layered burrito] [I find it somewhat lacking in avocado, but otherwise pretty good]

Me:  Okay, I think you've got enough.  I'm still not buying the whole alien thing, but you've done enough to convince me that Robertson is the Grand Master.  I Still don't know what end he's working toward, although I doubt that its the imminent fall of New Tecumseth.  The question is, what do we do now?
[Jens & Scott look at each other] [ Scott nods]
Jens:  Now we confront him.  We'll need weapons. 
Scott:  JENS!  enough of the pending doom!  We just need to get him alone. 
Me:  Any ideas on how to do that?
Scott:  I have a thought.  A couple of years ago, Jim Rouleau accidentally sent a meeting announcement for the Furious Five out to the whole league. 
Jens: [Aside] Rouleau sucks at forwarding emails.
Scott:  Maybe we can reproduce that message format and lure him to a fake meeting with the Furious Five?
Me:  Sounds like a good idea, can you get this together soon?
Jens:  We have to be sure of the syntax or he'll never buy it.  Lets try to get this out by the start of the season,  that would be May 4th.
Me:  Okay, that is the day that we'll answer all of our questions.
Jens:  [Undoing his jean jacket to reveal his Habs jersey.]  You know there is no cryptology in the Hab's logo right?  This Hab's fans burning in hell stuff is a load of crap. 
Me:  If that helps you sleep at night, sure.  Don't trip over Center H'Ice.

NEXT CHAPTER:  Confrontation

THE SPEECH

We are fortunate on the Grisslies to have two fast as lightening lead off hitters.  Jerry Muirhead is one and Jim Hunter is the other.  Capt'n Rob decided to pay homage to Mr. Hunter this week by dipping into the 80's vault and pulling out some Duran Duran!  I'm sure everyone remembers "Hungry Like The Wolf", I'm sure more of you are still trying to forget it. 

Now we have the new and improved version called "Hunter Drank Them Both".  For music, CLICK ME

Hunter drank them both

Darken the Legion, night is a fire
Witnessed by the barkeep, or my co-captain isn't Dwyer.

Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo

Woman, "I'm ordering, I gave you the sign,
A beer with a chaser trailing closer behind."

Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo

"I'm so Eastbound and down,
I am the Hunter I'm after two,
I like to pound, I'm not lost in a crowd"
Yes, Hunter drank them both...

Straddle the line between lager and lime
I am the Hunter I'm after two
Mouth is alive he'll even drink wine
Yes, Hunter drank them both...

Stuck in the bar line, Jimmy stands there with pride,
Slowly he's moving, he won't be denied.

Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo

The wait wasn't too bad, tonight is his night
He's got Scotch and Corona, now its time to unwind

Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo

"I'm so Eastbound and down,
I am the Hunter I'm after two,
I like to pound, I'm not lost in a crowd"
Yes, Hunter drank them both...

Straddle the line between lager and lime
He is on the Hunter, he's after two
Mouth is alive now he even drinks wine
Yes, Hunter drank them both...

Hunter drank them both...
Hunter drank them both...
Hunter drank them both...

I'm so Eastbound and down,
I am the Hunter I'm after two,
I like to pound, I'm not lost in a crowd"
Yes, Hunter drank them both...

Straddle the line between lager and lime
He is the Hunter, he's after two
Mouth is alive, he'll even drink wine
Yes, Hunter drank them both...

THE GAME

There was a game?

Right.  So the 6-3 Grisslies versus the 3-6 Red Dogs. 

Lets put this game in perspective, shall we?  The Grisslies came into this game 5-0 over their last five games.  The Red Dogs were 2-3 over their last five.  The Grisslies scored an average of 19 runs over their last five while the Red Dogs averaged 13.8. 

Its time to just be honest about this...it was going to be a cake walk. 

Right?

Not so much.  Candy (Bob, not Mike) had a game plan mapped out for this tilt.  Obviously.  Once he heard that Bob "Minnesota" Smith wasn't going to be playing, he instructed ALL his players to hit it to the replacement short stop.  Now I've ALWAYS gotten along with Bob, but I have to admit that it hurt a bit to see Steve "Dead-Pull" Brooks trying to hit to short. 

Despite the questionable defense from the left side of the infield, we held the Red Dogs below their average at 13 runs.  However, we were pretty atrocious on offense.  Now I don't throw words like "atrocious" (a word that I can't even spell without help) around without cause.  We got a nice ITP Home Run from Dave "the contradiction" Argue, but beyond that....ugh. 

The Grisslies were 15 runs behind their average scoring only 4 freakin' runs.   

Okay Grisslies...its man up time.  All kidding aside, the Red Dogs earned their victory.  Our outfield made no errors and gave up no extra bases...again.  Our defense, over all, gave us every opportunity to win.  The combination of Red's great pitching, Red's perfect fielding and excellent Red Dog infield play, prevented us from even coming close to getting a rally going. 

We have have to 'own' the loss but move on.  We have an undefeated team to play next on Thursday and we need to shake this one out of our system and be ready for the yellow bat-less team!

We're 6-4 and 5-1 over our last six.  Pretty damned good.  The team we're playing is only one game better at 6-0 over their last six. 

Its show time. 

EDITORS NOTE:  The Donini three stars page is buggered.  Buggered is a "technical" "IT" term for "screwed".  Rob and I will try to put it back into its original form by Monday. 

T.O.T. Weakly Supplement - Week 7 Review

What you may have missed:

From the Beer Bros. game;  CLICK ME
Down Town Billy Brown's Dislocated Joints Updates:  CLICK ME
The Hurtin' Units Captain's BLOG:  CLICK ME
League Stats from the T.O.T. site:  CLICK ME
League Standings from the T.O.T. site:  CLICK ME

And Now......

The week in review!

GAME 9: Won't Be Denied.

THE INTRO

PART III of a Trilogy of IV

The Furious Five

PART I
PART II

If its true that a little knowledge was a dangerous thing, then for the first time in my life - I was dangerous.  Dangerous with a capital "D".  I now knew that Jeff Dancey was a small fish in the "Aluminum Bat Army".  I knew that there was an elevated, group, within a group, within a group called the "Furious Five".  The were supposedly comprised of Andy Gee, Mike Olliffe, John Harrett, Jim Rouleau and Paul Freakin' Hargreaves.  I knew that there was a lynch pin that sat on top of the whole house of cards that controlled who was elected for each position and supposedly volunteer rolls as well.  But there was clearly something more sinister going on. 

But what did I REALLY know?  Not much other than here-say and innuendo and very specific instructions to not seek out new information with thinly veiled references to a negative impact to my personal well being. 

So I waited, I played baseball and pretty much nothing happened.  Whenever I saw one of the aforementioned Furious 5, they were the same as usual.  No real change there.  Andy would tell me that I talk too much (he's not alone), Olliffe would make fun of my car, Harrett would ask me if I'd learn how to run the bases yet, Rouleau would ask me if I'd eaten at the Cedar Kitchen lately and Paul would offer me a beer.  

Yep, same old, same old.  And Dancey's musings that these guys weren't good secret keepers seemed to be totally off base.  I was getting to the point where I was questioning whether Jeff was correct about the composition of the group.    

Then one day I got an invitation to the Hurtin' Units season ending party from Mike Olliffe.  I thought that was pretty nice of him, so I showed up on a Saturday night in September 2010 and found a sign on his door that said "party in the back yard".  As I walked around back I couldn't help but notice that the stereo was blasting the staccato sounds of the Benedictine Monks singing Georgian Chants.  Suddenly I got an overwhelming feeling that the Hurtin' Units were as bizzaro as I had suspected.   

As I came into the back yard I was greeted by a large fire pit with a few people milling about.  Once my eyes adjusted I saw 5 hooded figures standing equal distance apart around the fire with a gap for one more.  One of them pointed at the open space which I took as a invitation to join the circle.  I slowly walked over, trying to catch a glimpse of one of their faces, but the large hoods revealed no secrets.  

I stood there, seemingly for an eternity, listening to the wood crackle.  Finally, the person to my left spoke.  "We are from the ancient order of Bards, Ovates and Druids".  This didn't surprise me in the least as Mozart's well known opera, The Magic Flute, was known to be about that particular ancient order and had Masonic undertones.  The Benedictine Monks were now chanting to a Mozart back beat.  It was all coming together nicely.

He continued:

Abhaya:  I am Abhaya, my name means "fearless" [nods to his left]
Banko:  I am Banko, my name means "everlasting" [nods to his left]
Doryu:  I am Doryu, my name means "dragon" [nods to his left]
Chimon:  I am Chimon, my name means "wisdom" [nods to his left]
Basho:  I am Basho, my name means "banana plant" [nods to me]

Me:  Wow, you guys are kind of freaking me out.  I don't suppose you would take off your hoods and show me who you are?
ALL:  No!

Me:  Great.  Well then, I'm sorry I was late, I thought that this was just a drop in party, I really had no idea that all this was going on!
Banko:  Well maybe if you had driven a Ford lately you would be on time once in a blue moon. 
Basho:  Oh, ignore him.  Don't worry about being late.  You want me to put your potato salad in the fridge?  Can I get you a beer?

Me:  I'm good.
Doryu:  Silence!
Abhaya:  What's the matter with you two?  Why don't you just give him your name and address.  Idiots. 

Banko:  Well it IS at my house, it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to know I'm here! 
Abhaya:  Yeah, but he didn't know WHICH of us was you!
Banko:  Oh, please.  Fine.  How about I act like an accountant for a while, that will throw him off the scent!  Does anyone have a pencil?

Basho:  Hey, Dougie, you're sure?  I'm going to have a beer anyway, I don't mind grabbing you one too?  Chick-a-bow-bow!
Chimon:  Why don't we just call each other by false names, that will totally mess him up.  I'll be Andy, okay?  Call me Andy. 
Doryu:  Sweet lord.  We already had false names.  That's why you're Chimon. 
Chimon:  Ugh, right, sorry.  Too much French Toast this morning.  Maybe we could double reverse it or something?  Like a double agent. How about I be NOT Andy!  Eh?
Banko:  Or a double, double agent!  I can NOT be NOT Andy neither!
Doryu:  You two are making no sense. 

Basho:  Dougie...seriously, I'm going to the house right now for a beer.  Right now.  Right this minute. Look, I'm leaning, here I go.  Last chance.  Yes?  Yes?  No?  Yes?
Abhaya:  A-hem.  Look, I have a meeting at 9AM and one of the other guys who may, or may not be Doryu has a poker game in about an hour, so if its okay with you guys - could we get down to business?

All:  Yes.

Me:  So what exactly is the "business?"
Abhaya:  As I mentioned, we are from the ancient order of Bards, Ovates and Druids
Banko:  [aside] blah, blah, blah....
Abhaya:  We are known as the Furious 5, keepers of secrets and protectors of the Grand Master.
Me:  You'll have to forgive me, but I don't see you guys being highly skilled at keeping secrets. 

Banko:  [A little defensively] Hey buddy, with us, quality is job one!
Abhaya: [Sighs]
Chimon:  Hmmm.  you know what else is quality?  Cedar Kitchen that's what!  I might scoot over there for breakfast tomorrow.  Does anyone know what time they open?
Basho:  Yeah, a quarter past a chick-a-bow-bow!
Doryu:  Silence!

Abhaya:  Anyway.....Secret keeping has been a bit of an issue as you can see.  However, not too many people have stumbled upon our Order or the fact that there are even secrets that are kept within this league.  It has become apparent that you wish an audience with The Grand Master in the hope of joining our ranks.
Me:  Correct. 
Abhaya:  For your test, each of us will ask you a question, if you answer them all correctly your audience will be granted. 
Doryu:  And if you fail, you will DIE!
Me:  What????
Doryu::   I'm just kidding!  Wow, Mister "I can give a joke but sure can't take one".  
Me:  [I'm not entirely convinced that they're joking, but I want in]  Great!  I'm up for this, lets go.

Abhaya:  Question one goes to Chimon.
Chimon:  Listen carefully to the question, Mr., "I know everything about baseball".  How many outs are in an inning?
Me:  six.
Chimon:  Wrong, there are three!  You lose!  Hahahah....doesn't even know how many outs in an inning.  L-O-S-E-R!!! 
Me:  No.  Actually there are three outs in a 1/2 inning.  In a full inning both teams hit, so there are 6 outs. 
Abhaya:  Correct.  The next question goes Doryu.

Doryu:  Who has struck you out more, Tito or Randy Hipken?
Me:  Including foul outs?
Doryu:  Of course.
Me:  Randy 3 to 1.
Doryu:  Correct, but that "1" really hurt didn't it.
Me:  Not as much as you might think 
Abhaya:  You have answered two correctly, but be advised, the questions will get increasingly difficult.  Next up is Basho.

Basho:  Before I go, do you want anything?  Perhaps a beer?  I'm going to have one myself, are you sure?  Don't make me drink alone!
Me:  No thanks and doesn't that count as a question?
Basho:  Awww CRAP!

Abhaya:  Yes, that's a question.  Dammit Basho, every single time.  You have answered 3 correctly. Next is Banko.

Banko:  Prepare to go home empty handed.  We know that you're pathetic on the topic of Fords so I won't even bother.  Let me ask you this, what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Chevy Bel Air, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Me:  That's a BS question.
Banko:  Does that mean that you can't answer it?
Me:  It means its a BS question, it's impossible to answer.
Banko:  Its only impossible because you don't know the answer! Its not just Ford's, you know nothing about any cars!
Me:  Nobody could possibly answer that question!
Abhaya:  Can you answer the question or not?
Me:  No, I swear to god; it is a trick question!
Abhaya:  Why is it a trick question?
Me:  Because Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Abhaya:  Is that correct Banko?
Banko:  [looking a little sheepish under his hood]  Ummmm.  Sounds about right.  I'd have to look it up to be 100% positive.  I mean it sounds kind of "tried, tested and true"...."like a rock", if you will.  I don't have my finger on "the heartbeat of America", but it does seem "arrow straight". 
Doryu:  You have no idea do you?
Banko:  None.
Abhaya:  You are 4 for 4.  My question is the last one.  How many times were you thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double in your rookie season?
Me:  9.  But it felt 19. 
Abhaya.  WRONG.  IT FELT LIKE 59!!!  But I didn't ask what it felt like.  I asked how many and you are correct; you were thrown out a completely unacceptable 9 times between 1st and 2nd. 

Basho:  Lets have a beer!  Chick-a-boom-boom!!!

Abhaya:  You will be granted an audience in due time with The Grand Master, you are free to leave.
Me:  Wait a minute, that can't be it.  You didn't give me any new info.
Abhaya:  We are not permitted to reveal our secrets.

Chimon:  Yep, that's true.  I remember when Banko spilled the beans on the cave drawings....whew, there was hell to pay. 
Banko:  Oh, blame me.  You're the one who "accidentally" invited the entire league to our last meeting because you don't know how to forward an email.  We had to pretend it was a sing along for god sakes. 
Doryu:  SILENCE!

Me:  Come on, at least give me the bit about the caves. 
Abhaya:  Fine.  The Kawatche caves are about 500 years old.  We have been appointed guardians of these caves and the mysterious symbols found there.
Me:  What symbols?
Abhaya:  There are many, some mathematical, many are cultural symbols.  You were onto something with the Letter "T" and the Number "53"; but I'm afraid that you haven't reached the tip of the iceberg yet.

Me:  Was I right about the atomic number of iodine?
Abhaya:  Yes, the atomic number of iodine is 53.
Me:  No, I know that.  I mean was I right that there is a link between the league secret and that reference?
Abhaya:  Yes. 
Me:  I knew it.  Was I right about James Taylor and Bob Legault being involved?
Abhaya:  James Taylor the singer?
Me:  No, James Taylor the captain. 
Chimon:  The captain?!?!  I love The Captain and Tennille! 
Chimon, Basho, Banko:       

♫ ♪ Love, Love will keep us together

think of me babe whenever

Some sweet talking girl comes along,

Singing her song,

Don't mess around, you've got to be strong!  ♪ ♫

Doryu:  SILENCE!  God, its like herding cats. 

Abhaya:  No, you were off base on Taylor and Legault.  That was just a convenient coincidence.
Me:  Damn.  I thought I had that one.  Is there anything else you can tell me?
Abhaya:  Only that this secret is older than you could have ever imagined.
Me: Ok, thanks
Abhaya: Oh, you were right about one other thing. 
Me: Oh?  What was that?
Abhaya: Habs fans WILL rot in hell. 


THE SPEECH

I've never seen Rob get like this with a speech!  And I mean EVER.  Rob is definitely a fun-first kind of guy, but there was some real venom in this speech.  Was it winning the double header last week?  Was it the four game winning streak?  Was it knowing that he'd be playing against the only player to hit one out against him last year?  Was it last year's 0-4 record against rookie captains?  Was it knowing that he'd be playing against Piero Del Greco in a match up of Master and Apprentice?

The man wanted to win this game.  Badly!  So he pulled out all the stops bringing out the Bon Jovi staple, "Dead or Alive" and renaming it "Won't be Denied".  He's kinda clever with the rhymes. 

If you've been under a rock, click for the music to sing along (in your head) with:  CLICK ME

Won't Be Denied.

It's not the same

Sure the teams and names have changed

Huggy-bear says

They can be beaten today

Coventry's the place

Where the faces are so cold

I'll drive there tonight

Win and go back home

He's Starsky; Hutch is his ally,

I want to beat 'em

I won't be denied.

Beat 'em

Won't be denied.

Yeah their team is deep

Bell can throw for days

Cordell and Dennis are off beat

They play it the East coast way

Doyle, Del Greco and Dell

Hutch calls them the "killer D's"

Mike just shakes his head

Hutch just doesn't know Entomology.

He's Starsky; Hutch is his ally,

I want to beat 'em

I won't be denied.

Beat 'em

Won't be denied.

Barlow is one to watch

But its Hilliard and Kolsen that scare me most

Tonight we play for keeps

Guys, the Beer Brothers will be toast!

I've played everywhere

And Hutch is standing tall

But he and Starsky are Lollipop members

Sorry Doug, but I can rock 'em all

'Cause he's Starsky; Hutch is his ally

I want to beat 'em

I won't be denied.

Beat 'em

Won't be denied.

The Game
The Beer Bros. were my personal pre-season pick to be in the top four. I like their defense a lot, I like their offense even more.  There top three are frightening and their "bottom" three are good. 

I was really looking forward to this game as an opportunity to eliminate a couple of personal demons.  Last year we were 0-4 against the Hurtin' Units and Brew Jays.  It would be nice to get a win at some point against a 1st year team.  Then there is the Doyle factor.  He was up 4-1 against me head-to-head and I was wanting to close the gap. 

I have to admit that I was a little bit worried that Robbie's pregame speach might work against me, but the boy nailed it on this night.   We gave up 2 runs to the Bros. in the top of the 1st inning but we immediately countered with 3 of our own.  Both teams had shut down second innings before the Beer Bros. counted three in 3rd with runs scored by Piellusch, Doyle and Ross.  The Grisslies answered with four of their own on runs scored by Dwyer, Sallustio, Hayward and Argue. 

With the score at 7-5 in the top of the fourth, the Grisslies set down the Beer Bros. with only a single.  Then the Grisslies stretched the lead to six by scoring four in the bottom of the inning.  The critical part of the the game was the top of the 5th with the meat of the Bros. lineup coming to the plate.  The Grisslies got out of the inning giving up no more than a single hit.  When the Grisslies batted around scoring seven runs in the bottom of the inning it removed all doubt. 

Make the final:

Grisslies:22
Beer Bros;  8

T.O.T. Weakly Supplement - Week 6 Review

What you may have missed from this week.


From the Double Header with The Hurtin' Units and Rusy Rebels: CLICK ME
The three stars: CLICK ME
The Down Town Billy Brown's game reviews: CLICK ME
The Hurtin' Units Captain's BLOG: CLICK ME (smoke and mirrors Jimmer???)
League Standings: CLICK ME
League Stats: CLICK ME

And now.....
The Weakly Supplement....

GAME 7 and 8: Double Header

INTRO

PART II of a Trilogy of IV
Under Cover

RECAP:

If you didn't read the first part of this series, you can check it out here, it'll help this one make some sense. (maybe):  PART I
You will learn: 
1.  Symbols in the Old Timers Logo reveal a) a life prolonging agent, b) references to a secret society, and  c)  a defiance to generally accepted principles of order and structure.
2.  Habs fans are going to hell. 

Now that the leg work had been done, I figured that the only way to get to the bottom of this was to join the league and try to infiltrate its ranks.  It seemed like a pretty simple plan.  So I joined. If I was expecting a cult like indoctrination, let’s just say I was a little disappointed. It all seemed kind of regular and honestly, a little boring. I was expecting a sign or something.

Nothing. But still those whispers, nods and sideways looks on the diamond and in the clubhouse continued.

So I became a captain hoping that would get me closer to the truth that was out there.

Nothing.

I started the BLOG.

Nothing.

I volunteered for committees.

Nothing.

I used the BLOG as a vehicle to interview people and still nothing tangible ever came of it. I was about to quit the league realizing that this was simply baseball (a game I can barely tolerate), when my undercover assignment suddenly became deep, deep, deep undercover.

I want everyone reading to take a minute to be serious.  You need to know that what you are about to read is 100% true. I have keep the names, conversations and locations completely intact and unchanged in any way.  I've only modified a bit of the dialogue, some of the identities and a couple of the venues in an effort to help identify the guilty.

And so it begins.

Game 15 last year (2010). I had just written the mid term report card BLOG for the Grisslies (Radar, Timmy two Beer and the Pieman got the only A's). We lost a close game to, 9-6, to the Brew Jays and Rod Duggan punched me in the face. No wait, the punch happened in September, but as I recall I had it coming.

Anyway, after the loss, I was in the Clubhouse (the Legion for you new BLOG readers) for a scheduled interview with Jeff Dancey for a future BLOG. This would be my first foray into the dark underbelly of the league and it was quite by accident.

Jeff Dancey: Hey Doug, your beer is almost empty, let me top you up.
Doug Dwyer: Thanks...I'll get the next one, after all - you agreed to meet me.

Jeff Dancey: Oh no problem... hey, I don't know if you know this, [whispering] but I have THE BEST job in the league.
Doug Dwyer: Really? I would have though being president would have been the best job, what is it you are doing again?

Jeff Dancey: [low voice] Don't say anything, but I'm 1st vice.
Doug Dwyer: [low voice] Why are you whispering; isn't that information on the league website?

Jeff Dancey: Are you kidding? What do you think Chuck Cragg would do if he actually knew what the 1st Vice role controlled? I'll tell you, EVERYONE would want it.  It's not easy getting this job with less than twenty years in the league.
Doug Dwyer: I had no idea that the 1st Vice gig was that big a deal. What makes it so good?

Jeff Dancey: [loud whisper] Shhhh, keep it down. I swear to god if Doris or someone hears this... Geez Doug, use some common sense.
Doug Dwyer: [low voice] Jeff, I'm really sorry. Okay, why is it that much in demand?

Jeff Dancey: Some things we just accept.  Like why did god make the dingo bird or the Venus fly-tree?
Doug Dwyer: Isn't the dingo an Australian wild dog?

Jeff Dancey: The point is that its unanswerable and obvious at the same time. When you're the 1st Vice, you're the king maker, the deal breaker, the dream .... Quaker?
Doug Dwyer: I think I know what you mean, but he question is still "why?"

Jeff Dancey: You are way more of a simpleton than I thought. Let me try painting a picture for you.  Imagine for a moment, if you will, that you had a son.
Doug Dwyer:  I do have a son.

Jeff Dancey:  And what do you want to call that imaginary son?
Doug Dwyer:  Oh, I don't know. Let's call him Connor.  And he's real by the way.

Jeff Dancey:  Okay, so now say that you buy little Tommy a brand new ball glove for Christmas.
Doug Dwyer: No, its Connor

Jeff Dancey: Its my picture being painted, and I said a glove
Doug Dwyer: Okay, sure

Jeff Dancey: Anyway, imagine the look on little Georgie's face when he unwraps that present. Can you picture it?
Doug Dwyer: Yeah, sure. It would be cool.

Jeff Dancey: That's right Homeboy, it would be cool. And when you're 1st Vice every day is like that. Like Tony Montana said, first you have the money, then you get the power and then you get the .... power.
Doug Dwyer: I'm not sure that's the exact quote.  I'm sorry Jeff, maybe it's me, but how does this all come together?

Jeff Dancey: I'm going too fast, I keep forgetting you're still pretty new and clearly not too mentally nimble.  I'll slow down a little. [talking noticeably slower]  Lets say Chris Ross has a crisis, who does he go to?
Doug Dwyer: You?

Jeff Dancey: You betcha. Now say a captain has a problem, who do they go to?
Doug Dwyer: I would have thought Chris, but now I'm guessing you?

Jeff Dancey: You're catching on. I broker the deal. I control the best interests of the league. Nothing happens without my say so. And when you tell people what the decision is? Well, son, that's like Christmas morning!

Doug Dwyer: Come on Jeff, that's a little over the top!

[Jeff glassy eyed simulating a phone call]

Jeff Dancey: Hi Frank, its Jeff Dancey, I'm calling to tell you that we've reached a decision on the new bat you requested.
Frank Laird: [Jeff speaking in his best Frank impersonation [its not particularly good]] Hello Jeff, I've been anxiously waiting by the phone for your call!
Jeff Dancey: Well, of course you have. I'm calling with GREAT news for you.
Frank Laird: I'm on pins and needles, did we get the bat?
Jeff Dancey: No Frank, we at the league offices view that request as somewhat extravagant. However, we have decided to give you not one; but two, sets of batting grips.
Frank Laird: [kind of sniffly now [the imitation unbelievably worsens]] Thank you Jeff, I can't tell you how much this means to the team. New grips? they guys won't even notice the cracks in the bat now. This is a brilliant decision yet again. This is terrific news indeed. Could you do me a favour?
Jeff Dancey: Sure what is it?
Frank Laird: Would it be okay if I told John Coopman myself? I can't wait to share the news!
Jeff Dancey: Sorry Frank, I need to fulfil my obligation and speak to all impacted parties myself.  You know the rules.
Frank Laird: Yeah, I understand.
Jeff Dancey: I'll tell you what, how about I conference you in and keep you on mute and you can listen.
Frank Laird: You're the absolute BEST!

Doug Dwyer: Seriously?

Jeff Dancey: Yep, it’s the greatest gig. EVER. You play Santa and deliver the goodies to the kids.  And if there's any bad news...Chris gets to do it.  Its win / win / win!
Doug Dwyer: All right, I admit that it sounds pretty cool the way your laying it out. I would have thought that the captains would be a lot more ho-hum about the whole thing. How did you end up doing this? Its a voted position, how come people aren't clued into how good it is?

Jeff Dancey: [Whispering loudly again]. Shhhhh, Radar is RIGHT THERE! God, you're killing me. Here's all I can tell you....it’s very cloak and dagger. You know how the captains are part of the voting executive?
Doug Dwyer: Yes

Jeff Dancey: [looking around] and then you have the smaller group made up of the elected executive?
Doug Dwyer: Of course

Jeff Dancey: [Very quietly] Well lets just say that there is a group, within a group, within a group.
Doug Dwyer: Meaning?

Jeff Dancey: Do I have to spell it out? Okay. You know how the world economy is run by a group of 5 people; The Queen of England, The Vatican, The Rothschild's, the Getty's and Colonel Sanders?
Doug Dwyer: No. Not familiar with that one.

Jeff Dancey: Gawd you are sheltered. Take the blinders off Dwyer and look around you. Trust me, they control the world's finances. Well its the same way with our league and the guy who is the 1st Vice is the guy with all the "day - to - day" power.
Doug Dwyer: Yeah, but Chris Ross is the President. He's the guy who's really in charge.

Jeff Dancey: Think about it. Chris knows all the captains are in my back pocket. He does what I want him to do. He's a puppet, like Homer Simpson.
Doug Dwyer: Homer Simpson is a cartoon character, not a puppet.

Jeff Dancey: Same thing.
Doug Dwyer: So how did you score this role again?

Jeff Dancey: This goes nowhere, right?
Doug Dwyer: Come on? Like I would BLOG this. Its not like I fabricate stories to embarrass people and use their names or likenesses without permission.  That would just be wrong. 

Jeff Dancey: Yeah, you're right. Okay. Once you have the blessing of Grand Master you simply -
Doug Dwyer: WHOA! GRAND MASTER???

Jeff Dancey: SHHHH [looking around, quite nervously]. For the love of Thor’s magic trident, keep it down! This is probably going to far, [under his breath] - damn you beer, damn you - but yes, the Grand Master. Once you get his blessing, he just orchestrates everything.
Doug Dwyer: What do you mean "orchestrates it?"

Jeff Dancey:  I don't claim to understand how he does it,  I'm not that close to the inner workings.  But I do know that no one has ever lost an election once the Grand Master supports you. Its known as the “Grand Master Flash”.
Doug Dwyer: So then, who is the Grand Master?

Jeff Dancey: No one knows for sure. I've never seen him without his hood. I have suspicions, but they are best kept to myself.
Doug Dwyer: How did you meet him?

Jeff Dancey: You don't just "meet" the Grand Master. You have to pass a series of tests before an audience is granted.
Doug Dwyer: And did you meet here?  At the Legion?

Jeff Dancey: I don't know. They took me blindfolded in the car for about 20 minutes before we got there.
Doug Dwyer: "Cloak and Dagger" Jeff??? This is right out of a Dan Brown novel.

Jeff Dancey: I know, right? Rumour has it that much of Brown's research comes from lost symbols of our league.
Doug Dwyer: I was beginning to think those symbols were just a series of coincidences.  I want to come back to that, but I need to know who took you in the car to the Grand Master Flash?

Jeff Dancey: That was the Furious Five.
Doug Dwyer: Grand Master Flash and The Furious Five. It kind of ring a bell. So who were they?

Jeff Dancey: Again, masks and hoods, but I suspect they are Andy Gee, Mike Olliffe, John Harrett, Jim Rouleau and Paul Hargreaves.
Doug Dwyer: Paul Hargreaves? But he's a rookie!!!

Jeff Dancey: Rookie or not; he's "connected".  [looking sideways] "Well connected."
Doug Dwyer: Wow! Really? Hey wait a minute.  How is it that you could identify The Furious Five if they were disguised? 

Jeff Dancey:  Let's just say they have a few give aways. 
Doug Dwyer:  Man, and I  thought I was doing well being a captain in my second year and Hargreaves is  part of The Furious Five as a ROOKIE!?!?

Jeff Dancey: [snickering] Doug, Doug, Doug...You're a captain because they WANT you to be a captain. They can manipulate you and toy with you. For all the power in Michael Jackson’s beard; the only way to avoid that manipulation is to become part of the 'real' decision making group. "The Aluminum Bat Army"
Doug Dwyer: Doesn't that sort of sound a little bit like "Illuminati"?

Jeff Dancey: Where do you think the Illuminati got their name? So you have to decide if you're in or you're out.  You've discovered enough that you commit to the Aluminum Bat Army; or you stop asking questions and poking around, quietly walk away and hope for the best.  Choose wisely my friend. 
Doug Dwyer: Wow. This has been a lot to absorb. So how do you get in?  Formally I mean.

Jeff Dancey: You need to be forwarded. Nominated if you will.  I could do that if you want.
Doug Dwyer: Would you? And how long would the wait be to get a shot at 1st Vice?

Jeff Dancey: I'll be honest with you, there are some guys who've waited since the mid 90's.
Doug Dwyer: Wow! That's nuts. I wish there was a fast track.

Jeff Dancey: [looking around] Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'll put in a word for you, if you're lucky you could be 1st vice within, 15-18 years; but you've GOT to keep this low key. Don't talk to me, don't ask me about the Aluminum Bat Army, the Furious Five or the Grand Master.  And for god sakes, don't talk to anyone else about it. Clear?
Doug Dwyer: Crystal.

Jeff Dancey: Okay, you'll be contacted when the time is right.
Doug Dwyer: Okay. And Jeff? Thanks.

Jeff Dancey: No problem.  Just remember, there is way more to this than even I know.  I'm a small fish in this pond and you are smaller than me...you're like a guppie...a baby guppie....the runt of the guppie litter....the runt of the guppie litter that should be eaten by the mom and fed to the normal guppies...the runt of the guppie litter that should be eaten by the mom and fed to the normal guppies and taken -
Doug Dwyer;  Okay, I've got it.
Jeff Dancey:  Right, of course.  Look, I'm just saying that you need to be very careful.  You're messing with powerful people.  If you push too hard someone will push back.  Tread softly and carry -
Doug Dwyer:  A big stick?
Jeff Dancey:  What?  No!  I was going to say, Carrie-Anne Moss was awesome in The Matrix.  Man you're weird. 

THE SPEECH

Having a double header means a lot of planning and Rob isn't one to shirk his planning responsibilities.  It was bad enough to have a double header, but the Hurtin' Units AND the Rusty Rebels?  Two of the teams that have consistently given us fits?  What were the Philadelphia Phillies too busy?

Rob, as usual, found the perfect song for the game.  Foreigner's classic (and yes this one is a classic) Double Vision; reworked as the new T.O.T. classic, Double Header.  Music is here if you can't remember the tune:  CLICK ME

Double Header

Feeling kinda dirty, as bad as Charlie Sheen
I've been from the Units to the Rebels it seems
This time I had a good time, didn't have to wait
We stuck it out 'till we couldn't see straight

Look to the skies, its that double header
Ache in my thighs, its that that double header
Ooh, when it gets through to me, it's always new to me
The double header gets the best of me

Always play more than I, I really need
When you play against the Rebels
you need an early lead
Tonight's the night, I'm gonna push the Units to the limit
We're gonna win 'em both, there not even in it!

Look to the skies, its that double header
Ache in my thighs, its that that double header
Ooh, when it gets through to me, it's always new to me
The double header gets the best of me
Ooh-ooh (oooh) ooh-ooh, double header
(Oooh) I need double header
(Oooh, double vision) it puts me into my bed, aching in my bed
(Oooh, double vision) I get my double headers, woa-oah
(Oooh, double vision) seeing double double, double header
(Oooh, double vision) oh-oh my my double header
(Oooh, double vision) double header, yeah-ah-ah eah-eah eah-eah ah
(Oooh, double header) I get double header, oooh

THE GAMES
GAME 7 - Hurtin' Friggin Units

The Units owned us last year.  By "owned" I mean I had to out the Olliffe's garbage all winter. 

We started pretty well scoring 3 in the first and then the Hurtin' Units proceeded to load the bases in the bottom of the first.  Before I could say "What the hell am I doing at Short Stop", we were out of the inning without giving up a run. 

Odd. 

The second inning was 3 up 3 down for both teams and then we rolled a 6 in the third.  Farah kept his shutout going through the 3rd and 4th innings as we continued to tack on runs. 

Without going into all the gory details, the final score was 19-3.  The Grisslies moved to 4-3 on the season as we crept over the .500 mark for the first time!

Ps., Mike - the garbage bin is around back  ;v). 

GAME 8 - Rusty Friggin Rebels

We beat the Rebels in the quarter finals in 2009.  That is our only win against that team in my three years as a Grisslie.  

Despite near exhaustion we got off to a fabulous start scoring 7 runs in the 1st inning.  But in typical Rebel fashion, they battled back.  Five in the 2nd, five in the 4th, two more in the 5th.  There's no quit in those boys. 

The score after 5 complete innings was 16-12 for the Grisslies.  Which means that the Rusty Rebels had outscored us by three since the 1st inning.  The Grisslies came up to bat with resolve in the sixth inning scoring 7 runs on only one out.  It was clutch right when we needed it. 

The Rebels stayed at it with one in the sixth and two in the seventh, but by that time it was too big a hill to climb. 

The final score was 23 - 15 in a game that started as a blowout, got close and never really felt safe until it was over. 

Great night Grisslies!  We're 2 games over .500 (5-3) for the first time in the modern era of Lob Ball and I'm pretty sure this the first time I've ever seen our +/- pointing the right way. 

THREE STARS
RECORD
Dislocated Joints Update