Does everyone know Art Sagert? I have it on good authority that he can be a little "bossy". Like he's in "Command". And that fake English accent does tend to get a tad annoying, but we've adjusted on the club. For those of you who don't know Art, here's a picture.
Yep, there's our Art. Don't let the wry smile fool you though, he can be pretty direct. Plus he walks around with this catch phrase, "Make It So!", game, after game, after game after ever loving game. I guess it he's been doing it since about game 4 this season.
Doug: Hey Art, want to bat lead off?
Art: Make It So!
Doug: Art, should we grab another jug?
Art: Make It So!
Doug: Hey Art, are you going to fix the hole in your shorts?
Art: Make It Sew!
But it didn't start off that way, he needed to find his way to "Make It So!". Game 1 was funny.
Then it was the name....Ohhhhh, the name drama. Apparently just "Art" wasn't good enough. Then the well thought out nickname, "The Art of Hitting" no longer cut the mustard. We had the short lived "Jeffy Pop's Pop", but apparently that wasn't up to The Art's high standards. Art insisted that we start calling him "Captain Art". Rob was quick to point out that the team already had a captain. I reminded Rob that the team actually had two captains to which Rob replied, "not really".
Nice.
When asked why he wanted to be called Captain Art, Captain Art had this reply.
That pretty much sums it up doesn't it? And it wasn't like being called "Captain Art" was quite enough. Now before Rob's speech every game, Captain Art has to do his log update.
Captain Art is never shy about his opinion. He's chimed in on a couple of points this season. Here's Captain Art's reaction to Jeff Sagert's slide into 2nd base last week.
Yeah, it was one of those moments. However, Chuck Cragg's two home runs off of Rob Farah this year elicited this response:
Ouch, the double face palm!!!! It took Rob a while to recover from that.
One night Captain Art and I were talking about the batting order in the Legion. I tend to be a little wordy...but I laid out my opinion as well as I could. I talked about force outs and speed and averages with runners on and power slots, etc, etc, etc. I asked what he thought about my rationale. Captain Art says:
I think that was his subtle way of saying that I should keep working on the batting order. That Captain Art, he's so awesome at sign language. Then there was the argument over Ricky Bobby catching a ball that he called for. Oh dear....that was an ugly one. There was a moment there that I thought there could be something physical in the middle of the Legion, then Captain Art stood up said he had enough,
There was a time I could write whatever I wanted here with no fear of Captain Art finding out. Yeah it used to be that he was no more tech savvy than Popeye Muirhead. But that's all changed. He's online all the time know since he got his new Android Phone!
In closing, please don't go thinking that Captain Art has become some crotchety, old, totalitarian, mean spirited freak. That's not fair, this is only a joke. Art is NOT mean-spirited. And to prove it, here is final picture of Captain Art having fun which will make a lot more sense when you read the speech.
THE SPEECH
Doug: You know what's weird?
Rob: You?
Doug: Yeah, good one. You know what else is weird though?
Rob: What?
Doug: You haven't done very much of your style of music this year.
Rob: Awesome job noticing that, we're only 18 games into the season!
Doug: Well, you asked me to stay out of the music, so I was just making a general observation.
Rob: Yeah, well that's going to end with the next song. I've used an actual classic Rock and Roll song that I co-wrote the original version of, so I can probably do it just in my head without even needing to write it out.
Doug: Well, unless you sync your brain with the BLOG it'll be hard for people to read it.
Rob: Oh yeah. Right. Well I'll write it out for the simple folk.
Doug: Thanks for taking care of us commoners. So what band are you ripping off?
Rob: Oh, its a little group I like to call Heavy Blimp.
Doug: Led Zepplin?
Rob: How did you know?
Doug: Shot in the dark. And what song?
Rob: Maybe you've heard of "Stairway to Heaven"?
Doug: Yeah.
Rob: You don't sound impressed.
Doug: Its in my top 5 of most hated songs. I actually hate it more than canned tuna and cats. Wait. Not more than tuna, but definitely more than cats.
Rob: Are you kidding, its like the best song EVER! Better than a tea party with my grand daughter.
Doug: Rob, the lyrics could have been written by your grand daughter. Well, if she dumbed down her vocabulary a bit. Its that pseudo intellectual crap. Its one of those "If I throw down random thoughts I'll sound smart." Sort of like Tears for Fears without the synthesizer.
Rob: Well, it is a little random. When Robert Plant and I wrote it, we each wrote every other line, so its actually two stories in one. Try reading it that way. Maybe you'll understand it better.
Doug: You didn't write it Rob
Rob: Did too.
Doug: Didn't
Rob: Did.
Doug: Prove it.
Rob: Ok....you read the third verse like this:
There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Doug: Yeah, I know. Its stupid
Rob: Well the 1st and 3rd line were written by Plant.
There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
Doug: So?
Rob: So its about how he knew they had to go 'west' from England to make their fortune but he also knew that they band would self - implode and go up in 'smoke'.
Doug: A stretch, but okay
Rob: And then I wrote the 2nd and 4th lines
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Rob: That's about how I wanted to stay as Heavy Blimp's co-writer but I had been asked by Paul McCartney to start a new band with him called Wings. So my 'spirit' was upset and the 'voices' were the band who knew that it would be my last tour.
Doug: Brilliant.
Rob: Thanks.
Doug: I think if you were actually charged with a crime that you could never stand trial. I'm no doctor but there has to be some kind of diagnosis for this. From a purely George Costanza sense, "its not a lie if you believe it"; so while you're not technically lying, there is something definitively pathological about your stories. Maybe its "off the rails" narcissism. If its not pathological, its at least compulsive. You really believe these things and you're not the least bit shy.
Rob: Why should I be shy? YOU'RE the one who should be shy! You didn't write with Led Zepplin!!!
Doug: No, of course not, neither did you, that's the point!!!!!!!!
Rob: Then how do I know that Robert Plant's middle name is Anthony? Eh?
Doug: Oh, I don't know, Google???
Rob: Who is this Google, they weren't in the band. I would know.
PHONE: [Ring....Ring....Ring]
Doug: Are you going to answer that?
Rob:Yeah....[puts the phone on speaker]
Doug: Why do you do that to people....I hate the speaker phone...
Rob: [aside] Shhhhh...I'm on the phone. You've reached The Farah Estates, how can I help you?
Phone: [English Accent] Is this my favourite middle eastern co-writer?
Rob: Robert ANTHONY Plant! How are you? Its been almost 2 years since we chatted.
Doug: [Mouthing Silently] B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
Phone: Oh, you know me mate, all sixes and sevens. Look I just got off the phone with our Barrister and he says we're clear to tour Canada starting on the 1st of September. Are you in?
Rob: Ummmmm. I can't.
Phone: That's Codd's Wallop, of course you can
Rob: Nope, sorry Robert, its baseball playoffs and you know how I feel about that..
Phone: Well as tribute to you missing the tour, we'll only sing every other line to Stairway to Heaven.
Rob: Its nice to know someone in this world appreciates. me.
Doug: [Mouthing Silently] B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
Breakfast at The Kitchen
The Grisslie players all know to do what they're told.
And they start all tournaments with bacon.
And when its fried they all know if its overdone it will blow.
With a word they can get just what they pay for.
Ooooo, Ooooo, Ooooo, Ooooo
And he's buying his breakfast at the Kitchen.
There´s a sign on the wall but he wants to be sure.
Cause he know sometimes words have two meanings.
On the sidewalk by the window there´s a song bird who sings,
Sometimes all of our lyrics have no meaning.
Oooooooo,
And my bread is wonder.
Oooooooo,
And my bread is wonder.
There´s a feeling I get when I look to the west.
And my stomach is crying for pudding.
In my thoughts I have seen onion rings with piles of cheese,
And the voices of those who are ordering.
Oooooooo,
And my bread is wonder.
Oooooooo,
And my bread is wonder.
And it´s whispered that soon if we get there by noon.
Then the coffee will taste like its from heaven
And a new day will dawn for those who like it strong.
And the forests will be made from the Cedar.
And my bread is wonder
If there´s peameal in your eggs bennie don´t be alarmed now.
It´s just compliments all the caffeine.
Yes there two meals you can go by, but in the long run.
The belt buster is the one that will do you no wrong.
And my bread is wonder
Your head is spinning with the options - in case you don´t know.
The waffle wants you to try him
And the pancakes are good too, no they don't blow
Your crepes lay on the whispering wind.
And as we wind on down the road.
Our bellies full we're good to go.
Heading to the game, we all know.
We're on our way to put on a show.
Now every play will turn to gold.
And if you watch really hard
You'll see we don't need a scorecard
When all are one and one is all.
These Grisslies rock and will not roll
And he's buying his breakfast at the Kitchen
THE GAME
The Tap Masters.....5th place at 9-7-1, 3rd place in my power rankings, 1st place in runs scored, 2nd place in runs allowed, and 2nd place in run differential.
The Grisslies.....7th place at 8-8-1, 6th place in my power rankings, 8th place in runs scored, 6th place in runs allowed, and 6th place in run differential.
Doesn't sound like a completely fair matchup. However this game will be played at C2 where the Tap Masters are 1-1 having beaten the Lucky Stiffs (32-15) and dropping one to the Banshees (19-14). C2 has been very kind to the Grisslies where we've fashioned a 3-0-1 record and will now play the rest of our schedule exclusively on that diamond. We bested the Dusty Cleats (12-5), tied the Stiffs (12-12), beat the Hot Tub Woody's (14-6) and the Hurtin' Units (9-5).
Average runs scored for the Tap Masters on C2, 23; against, 17. Average runs scored for the Grisslies on C2, 11.75; against, 7.
Well, its better. A run differential of 6 to 4.75. At least there is a snowballs chance. If I had another hour to crunch numbers, I could probably work us into favourites! Although its probably worth mentioning that they already beat us 16-10 back in May (but that was on C3!).
The game started as most of ours have of late, the Grisslies scored 4 in the 1st and kept the opponents off of the score board.
Then something really odd happened. We scored two more in the second. Four more in the third. Three more in the fourth. One in the fifth and three in the sixth.
By the time the dust cleared it was 17-0 heading into the 7th inning. The bottom of the 7th stared with Captain Tim Shrank (4/4) singling and Mike Roche (2/4) moving him to second on another single. Two on and nobody out. The Grisslies weren't too worried though as we had worked out of bases loaded situations in the 4th, 5th and 6th without surrendering a run. However, Captain Jason Bowers (1/4) cashed in Schrank with the Tap Masters sole run of the night. The final of this game was 17-1.
NOTES:
- Stellar play by Gary Basso on a bases loaded line drive to left off the bat of Paul Doyle to end the 6th.
- Excellent mound defense from CP who made 5 outs from the hump.
- Mike Roche's force out at 3rd base and Tim Shrank's reaction was probably the highlight of the night.
- Very nice defense at 2nd base from Bobby V. particularly tracking back on a tricky blooper that looked for sure like it was going to fall in.
Check out the Dislocated Joints game notes from DTBB ==> JOINTS
Check out the Tap Master's game notes from Jason Bowers ==> Tapped Out
Check out the Brew Jays game notes from Rod and Bo ==> Jays Squawk
Check out the Hurtin' Units BLOG ==> Hannibal Lecter
The League's Official Website ==> League
2 comments:
Someone's got waaaay too much free time on their hands!!
I wonder if its the same guy who might be a half decent ball player if he wasn't up all night writing. What a loser!
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