PART VI of a Trilogy of IV VII
REVELATION
Part I - Background
Part II - The Dancey Interview
Part III - The Furious Five
Part IV - The Detour
Part V - Confrontation (gratuitous torture scene)
Poor Gord. Subjected to fingernails on a chalk board and High School Musical. It wasn't right. The fact that we came "this close" to Celine Dion made this whole charade feel even more like an episode of 24. I'm no Kiefer Sutherland, but I do have a CTU hat....it's still wrong.
Gordo decided to get the heck out of there figuring that we were all whack-jobs, including the strange hooded figure who claimed to be the "Grand Master". I can't say that I blame him.
Jens, Scott & I sat around the table. The Grand Master didn't move. Staying half in the shadows of the doorway, revealing nothing. In his eerie voice he asked, "what are your questions?"
Scott: Tell us about the Kawatche caves.
Grand Master: The Kawatche caves were an clever fabrication. The caves are real, but the drawings were done in the last 10 years. All the drawings, the Greek lettering, the "T" from the old timers logo; all of it was done after the fact.
Scott: But the caves date back 500 years.
Grand Master: The caves do. Not the drawings.
Jens: Are you planning to destroy New Tecumseth.
Grand Master: Jens. Honestly. New Tecumseth is safe.
Me: Is it you in the picture with the 1867 Cincinnati Red Stockings?
Grand Master: HaHa! I'm not THAT old! Come on guys.
Jens: Then you are an alien?
Grand Master: [stepping out of the shadows and fully into the room...he slowly pulls back his hood revealing....
Scott: I'm sure you want us to be shocked Ed, but this isn't a huge surprise. We thought it would be someone who had been around the league a while, someone of some stature and influence. Okay, so now what Ed? Are you going to spill the beans.
Ed: Well, if knowing that I'm the "Grand Master" isn't a surprise, maybe this will be. You see boys, there is very much a secret society in the League. But the whole thing was just an elaborate hoax. Why else would I have left some many obvious clues?
Jens: Come on Ed, I'm not buying it. Where is your space ship?
Ed: HaHaHa.... Look, it had to be 20 years ago, we were sitting around the clubhouse one night - I can't even remember who was there to be honest - and I had this idea that it would be fun to create a really involved puzzle for someone to figure out. I don't even know what spawned the idea to tell you the truth. It took a while of overhearing conversations, reading the odd article and talking to people before the whole thing became a fully formed plan. But once it took hold, it just kind of steam rolled.
Scott: This sucks.
Me: Tell me about it. Three years of playing this god-awful game, for this? I should have stuck to hockey.
Jens: [to me] Yeah, that's funny. Is there a no contact / no skill / over forty but play like you're over 90 league? [to Ed] Ed, we have collectively invested a lot of time trying to figure this out. Is it really all for naught?
Ed: Here's the whole story lads. It was meant more as a joke, but I really didn't expect it to last this long. And I couldn't stop myself from making it more and more layered and complicated. The "T" logo on the wall was painted long after the logo was picked. The number of stitches in the ball being 53 and that being the atomic number of iodine? Fluke. That iodine is used to increase the longevity of fruits and vegetables was just a bigger fluke and one I made sure that people knew about. Had the number been 52 it would have been the element Tellurium, which means earth, and I could have built some crazy alien story. [Jens and Scott look at each other, then look away, a little embarrassed I think] Had it been 54 it would have been Xenon and I would have done something around how Xenon is used to detect radiation. Its easy really...just warping reality.
Scott: Okay, but what about the Furious Five and Dancey and the selection of all elected positions. Come on Ed, there is too much there for it all to be a lie.
Ed: Don't think of it as a lie. Its more a game or a charade if you will. If you want to make the unbelievable REALLY believable to the masses, you needed have a small group of people commit to it without question. That's where I recruited the Furious Five. I let bits of info slip that got them independently curious and then I met with them. Of course they don't know my identity. But they think they are protecting something HUGE!
Me: And how is it that Paul Hargreaves is 'connected'?
Ed: He's not. But Dancey thinks Paul is, so in Dancey's mind, Paul IS 'connected'. Belief is a powerful thing. Control belief and you control everything.
Me: But you have Dancey believing that the only reason that he's been elected is because he's supported by you.
Ed: Then if he believes it, then that's why he's elected. In his mind anyway.
Me: So you are controlling the elections?
Ed: Not at all.
Scott: I'm not following.
Ed: Lets say you play the Beer Bros. and you say to yourself, "I don't hit Sandy Bell very well, he's got my number." You go 1/5 in the game, how come?
Scott: Because Sandy owns me.
Ed: Right. Now say you go to the play the Beer Bros. and you say to yourself, "I'm hitting great lately, everything is a line drive, I can't wait to hit off Bell". you go 1/5 in the game, how come?
Scott: I had an off night?
Ed: Same result, different cause. Anonymously, as the Grand Master I support multiple people for most positions unless something appears to be obvious. In the end, someone is going to BELIEVE they won because of me, the ones who lost may blame me but more likely think they failed some kind of test and stay quiet.
Jens: Okay, but what about Roswell and Velcro? That's real, right?
Ed: Yes it is Jens.
Jens: REALLY?
Ed: No Jens. There are a few things here. First off, one or more of the Internet sites that claim a connection between Roswell and Velcro are owned by me. Secondly, Roswell is in New Mexico. Velcro was invented in Switzerland by a man who had never traveled to Canada or the US. Finally, the reason that the older guys in the league catch so well is that we are just fundamentally better ball players. There is no link to alien technology for sticking balls to gloves.
Scott: So, there isn't a shred of truth to any of this. Nothing? You know we still have the Celine Dion CD.
Ed: HaHaHa. I thought you guys wanted "the truth". If a lie will make you feel better, I'd be happy to tell you a lie.
Jens: Never mind.
Ed: So listen boys, The Furious Five, Dancey and a few other people here and there, believe that this whole thing is real and they would be rocked to find out that its not. I would like to ask you all to keep this information to yourself. Can you mange that?
Me: What alternative do we have. Admitting everything would just make us look stupid. Even if it was real and we had proof, it would be hard to convince people. Now, its impossible.
Ed: So we're agreed.
Jens: Yes
Scott: Okay
Me: Yep.
Ed: Well then, I think we're done. I've got a game and the Woody's are 0-4. We need a win streak something fierce!
Jens: [gathers the black bag of tricks and heads to the door] Well, I'm out of here. I have a CD to destroy. [to Scott] I guess our midnight cave exploration plans are off then, huh?
Scott: Yeah, we're done with that stuff. I wonder what my average is at? It's been a while since I've focused on baseball. Wait for me Jens, I'm coming too [to me] Are you ready?
Me: Nah...I'm a little bummed. I'm going to hang here a bit, maybe have a pint. I'll see you guys later.
NEXT and FINAL (swear to god) CHAPTER: The Usual Suspect(s) (it's long...its complicated...it's not the least bit funny...it makes very little sense...pretty much business as usual)
The Speech
I fear that we may have lost Karen Turner as a reader. I asked Rob...no, I BEGGED Rob to re-introduce some Hip-Hop or some old school rap in an effort to bring Karen back into the fold. At the risk of alienating other readers, Rob complied. However, the best he would do was the song Airplanes by Haley Williams and B.O.B. The last, and best verse, by Eminem was cut due to time. Most of you will need the tune for this one, although you can't help but recognize the chorus. SONG
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a hit
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin' and smashin' and swingin'
And all the glitz and the glam and lack of hittin'
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you're staring at that bat in your lap
And you hoping and swinging but get no contact
But that's just how the story unfolds
You still get another hand after you fold
And that's how you stay on top and not baffle
And they sayin' what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So line drive, home run, sorry I can't wait
I'm on my way so don't close that gate
When the make that pitch then I'll put it in flight
And the ball won't come back at the end of the night
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
Somebody take me back to the days
Before Pieman was all mob, before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my tank
Yeah back when Doyle was trying to get on by bunting
And back when I was rappin' for the hell of it
But now a days rappin' is irrelevant
I'm guessin that's 'cause cox don't dig the rhymes and we make wishes outta airplanes
Then maybe yo maybe I'll go back to the days
Before the politics entered the ball game
And back when only Brett listened to my mix tape
And back before I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for the Breton's, what's up Danny boy and Robbie
So can I get a wish to swing a big stick
And get back to the hitting that started this sh-t
So here I stand and then again I say
I'm hopin' we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
THE GAME
Well. This one needs a level set. Rob and I were suspended as captains although were still eligible to "play", if that's what you call it. The game was turned into the nearly capable hands of Bill "for those about to rock we" Sallustio. It was Bill's responsibility to assign positions, set the batting order, assign base coaches and manage 'in game' strategy.
All Bill had to do was get by the Brew Jays. The Brew Jays. Seriously. A team mired in a one game losing streak. A team that had lost by 30 or 40 runs early in the week to the Beer Bros., in what was called the "battle of the suds" match. Apparently Paul Hargreaves and Jim MacDonald are leading separate factions on the team. They are imploding. The in fighting is ridiculous. If you can't beat the Brew Jays this weeks, why bother playing at all.
So in hit first game as "Captain", Bill made sure he got there early. Early in the fourth inning! I will say this. We were getting throttled before he got there and we made a nice little run, got back into the game and even took a small lead once Bill started to lead the team with his quiet authority.
We would ultimately lose by one run in the 7th inning. I was great to see Paul Hargreaves score the winning run! I was not quite so great that he was on base on by error; but we've got two more months to get that sorted right.
The player of the game was easily Dave Argue. He struck out 4 Brew Jays (a new Grisslie record), He covered 1st base 3 times (a new Grisslie record) AND he drove in the run to tie the game in the top of the 7th.
Once again, the Grisslies REFUSED to be outdone at the pub. We may not have resolve and determination on the field at every moment of every game; but we will not waver with a jug in front of us!
Finally, the game's best moment was the ump (Chris) coming to the Grisslies dugout after the game and asking Bill, "Are you the guy who showed up late?"
Bill; "yeah"
Chris: "What inning was that"
Bill: "I'm not sure, around the 3rd?"
Chris: "yeah that's what I though. That makes you an ineligible player, so although you lost anyway, the game will got down as a 7-0 forfeit. Also I think the constitution says illegal substitution is a suspend-able offense.
Me: "well who gets suspended, the player or the captain"
Chris: "The captain"
Rob: "Which is Bill!"
We had to call the "You've been punked" card before things started going sideways. The look on Bill's face was priceless. So message to Bill and all the other Grisslies: You have no cause to take either Rob or I seriously. Please stop! (This doesn't apply to rookies).
Final message:
Bill, you have been relieved of your captain's duties. Career record 0-1, one ejection.
Scott: This sucks.
Me: Tell me about it. Three years of playing this god-awful game, for this? I should have stuck to hockey.
Jens: [to me] Yeah, that's funny. Is there a no contact / no skill / over forty but play like you're over 90 league? [to Ed] Ed, we have collectively invested a lot of time trying to figure this out. Is it really all for naught?
Ed: Here's the whole story lads. It was meant more as a joke, but I really didn't expect it to last this long. And I couldn't stop myself from making it more and more layered and complicated. The "T" logo on the wall was painted long after the logo was picked. The number of stitches in the ball being 53 and that being the atomic number of iodine? Fluke. That iodine is used to increase the longevity of fruits and vegetables was just a bigger fluke and one I made sure that people knew about. Had the number been 52 it would have been the element Tellurium, which means earth, and I could have built some crazy alien story. [Jens and Scott look at each other, then look away, a little embarrassed I think] Had it been 54 it would have been Xenon and I would have done something around how Xenon is used to detect radiation. Its easy really...just warping reality.
Scott: Okay, but what about the Furious Five and Dancey and the selection of all elected positions. Come on Ed, there is too much there for it all to be a lie.
Ed: Don't think of it as a lie. Its more a game or a charade if you will. If you want to make the unbelievable REALLY believable to the masses, you needed have a small group of people commit to it without question. That's where I recruited the Furious Five. I let bits of info slip that got them independently curious and then I met with them. Of course they don't know my identity. But they think they are protecting something HUGE!
Me: And how is it that Paul Hargreaves is 'connected'?
Ed: He's not. But Dancey thinks Paul is, so in Dancey's mind, Paul IS 'connected'. Belief is a powerful thing. Control belief and you control everything.
Me: But you have Dancey believing that the only reason that he's been elected is because he's supported by you.
Ed: Then if he believes it, then that's why he's elected. In his mind anyway.
Me: So you are controlling the elections?
Ed: Not at all.
Scott: I'm not following.
Ed: Lets say you play the Beer Bros. and you say to yourself, "I don't hit Sandy Bell very well, he's got my number." You go 1/5 in the game, how come?
Scott: Because Sandy owns me.
Ed: Right. Now say you go to the play the Beer Bros. and you say to yourself, "I'm hitting great lately, everything is a line drive, I can't wait to hit off Bell". you go 1/5 in the game, how come?
Scott: I had an off night?
Ed: Same result, different cause. Anonymously, as the Grand Master I support multiple people for most positions unless something appears to be obvious. In the end, someone is going to BELIEVE they won because of me, the ones who lost may blame me but more likely think they failed some kind of test and stay quiet.
Jens: Okay, but what about Roswell and Velcro? That's real, right?
Ed: Yes it is Jens.
Jens: REALLY?
Ed: No Jens. There are a few things here. First off, one or more of the Internet sites that claim a connection between Roswell and Velcro are owned by me. Secondly, Roswell is in New Mexico. Velcro was invented in Switzerland by a man who had never traveled to Canada or the US. Finally, the reason that the older guys in the league catch so well is that we are just fundamentally better ball players. There is no link to alien technology for sticking balls to gloves.
Scott: So, there isn't a shred of truth to any of this. Nothing? You know we still have the Celine Dion CD.
Ed: HaHaHa. I thought you guys wanted "the truth". If a lie will make you feel better, I'd be happy to tell you a lie.
Jens: Never mind.
Ed: So listen boys, The Furious Five, Dancey and a few other people here and there, believe that this whole thing is real and they would be rocked to find out that its not. I would like to ask you all to keep this information to yourself. Can you mange that?
Me: What alternative do we have. Admitting everything would just make us look stupid. Even if it was real and we had proof, it would be hard to convince people. Now, its impossible.
Ed: So we're agreed.
Jens: Yes
Scott: Okay
Me: Yep.
Ed: Well then, I think we're done. I've got a game and the Woody's are 0-4. We need a win streak something fierce!
Jens: [gathers the black bag of tricks and heads to the door] Well, I'm out of here. I have a CD to destroy. [to Scott] I guess our midnight cave exploration plans are off then, huh?
Scott: Yeah, we're done with that stuff. I wonder what my average is at? It's been a while since I've focused on baseball. Wait for me Jens, I'm coming too [to me] Are you ready?
Me: Nah...I'm a little bummed. I'm going to hang here a bit, maybe have a pint. I'll see you guys later.
NEXT and FINAL (swear to god) CHAPTER: The Usual Suspect(s) (it's long...its complicated...it's not the least bit funny...it makes very little sense...pretty much business as usual)
The Speech
I fear that we may have lost Karen Turner as a reader. I asked Rob...no, I BEGGED Rob to re-introduce some Hip-Hop or some old school rap in an effort to bring Karen back into the fold. At the risk of alienating other readers, Rob complied. However, the best he would do was the song Airplanes by Haley Williams and B.O.B. The last, and best verse, by Eminem was cut due to time. Most of you will need the tune for this one, although you can't help but recognize the chorus. SONG
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a hit
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin' and smashin' and swingin'
And all the glitz and the glam and lack of hittin'
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you're staring at that bat in your lap
And you hoping and swinging but get no contact
But that's just how the story unfolds
You still get another hand after you fold
And that's how you stay on top and not baffle
And they sayin' what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So line drive, home run, sorry I can't wait
I'm on my way so don't close that gate
When the make that pitch then I'll put it in flight
And the ball won't come back at the end of the night
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
Somebody take me back to the days
Before Pieman was all mob, before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my tank
Yeah back when Doyle was trying to get on by bunting
And back when I was rappin' for the hell of it
But now a days rappin' is irrelevant
I'm guessin that's 'cause cox don't dig the rhymes and we make wishes outta airplanes
Then maybe yo maybe I'll go back to the days
Before the politics entered the ball game
And back when only Brett listened to my mix tape
And back before I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for the Breton's, what's up Danny boy and Robbie
So can I get a wish to swing a big stick
And get back to the hitting that started this sh-t
So here I stand and then again I say
I'm hopin' we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Can we pretend that fly balls
In the night sky
Are like hard line drives
I could really use a hit right now (hit right now, hit right now)
THE GAME
Well. This one needs a level set. Rob and I were suspended as captains although were still eligible to "play", if that's what you call it. The game was turned into the nearly capable hands of Bill "for those about to rock we" Sallustio. It was Bill's responsibility to assign positions, set the batting order, assign base coaches and manage 'in game' strategy.
All Bill had to do was get by the Brew Jays. The Brew Jays. Seriously. A team mired in a one game losing streak. A team that had lost by 30 or 40 runs early in the week to the Beer Bros., in what was called the "battle of the suds" match. Apparently Paul Hargreaves and Jim MacDonald are leading separate factions on the team. They are imploding. The in fighting is ridiculous. If you can't beat the Brew Jays this weeks, why bother playing at all.
So in hit first game as "Captain", Bill made sure he got there early. Early in the fourth inning! I will say this. We were getting throttled before he got there and we made a nice little run, got back into the game and even took a small lead once Bill started to lead the team with his quiet authority.
We would ultimately lose by one run in the 7th inning. I was great to see Paul Hargreaves score the winning run! I was not quite so great that he was on base on by error; but we've got two more months to get that sorted right.
The player of the game was easily Dave Argue. He struck out 4 Brew Jays (a new Grisslie record), He covered 1st base 3 times (a new Grisslie record) AND he drove in the run to tie the game in the top of the 7th.
Once again, the Grisslies REFUSED to be outdone at the pub. We may not have resolve and determination on the field at every moment of every game; but we will not waver with a jug in front of us!
Finally, the game's best moment was the ump (Chris) coming to the Grisslies dugout after the game and asking Bill, "Are you the guy who showed up late?"
Bill; "yeah"
Chris: "What inning was that"
Bill: "I'm not sure, around the 3rd?"
Chris: "yeah that's what I though. That makes you an ineligible player, so although you lost anyway, the game will got down as a 7-0 forfeit. Also I think the constitution says illegal substitution is a suspend-able offense.
Me: "well who gets suspended, the player or the captain"
Chris: "The captain"
Rob: "Which is Bill!"
We had to call the "You've been punked" card before things started going sideways. The look on Bill's face was priceless. So message to Bill and all the other Grisslies: You have no cause to take either Rob or I seriously. Please stop! (This doesn't apply to rookies).
Final message:
Bill, you have been relieved of your captain's duties. Career record 0-1, one ejection.
1 comment:
great choice of song Doug, catching up on the blog finally!
Post a Comment