Game 9 - Making History!

INTRO

I've made a lot of jokes this year about the Grisslies being bad.  It started out as a tongue in cheek thing...you know, making fun because you just KNOW that things are bound to get better?  Right? Not so much  That never really happened.  

Then game the angry phase.  It didn't last long.

But now?  Now things have changes.  Now I'm serious.  Now we're on the cusp of history and I DON'T want to miss out.

Stats in this league are kind of sketchy.  "Within the season" they've been good historically, but no one really thought much about archiving data.  It only goes back so far.  We can get batting info to about the year 2000, but team records and standings only go back to the 2007.  There are other years available, but there is usually something missing or a gap of some sort.  The truth is that the regular season has only ever been practice so no one really cares once the play offs start.

Well I care. And here's why.  Of all the complete season standings that I can find, here are the worst records ever recorded in the league:

These are sorted in terms of winning percentage.  Currently the 2010 Cleats own the crown as "worst regular season team ever".  And before anyone takes any pleasure in that news, know that those same 3 win Cleats made it through the Round Robin phase of the playoffs in 2010 and into sudden death; while the 11-14-1 Grisslies and the 12-14 Dislocated Joints were sent packing.

So if we dare to project the rest of the season ..... if we have the nerve to visualize the Grisslies current winless streak of 8 stretching out to 13.....IF!!!!!  Well, then these standings will look slightly different.

Yeah baby!  The Grisslies will grasp the mantel of undisputed "worst regular season of all time".  And I don't want to hear stories about the 1987 "Backdoor Sliders" or the 1993 "Multiple Scoregasams" of the fabled 1998, "Sons of Pitches" going 1 and 23 or 0 and 72 and coming back to win it all in the playoffs.  There's no evidence of the records and hearsay is just that. 

Oh I can hear you all now, "Doug, you're aiming to high".  "Are you nuts?  That Cleats team was the stuff of legends!".  "The 2010 Cleats had McCarron AND Peters, what do the Grisslies have?"

I know.  You are correct on all counts.  But I dare to dream.  I dream of 5 more losses.  5 in a row man, WE CAN DO THIS!!!!  How?  Good question.  Here's how I see it mapping out.

Grisslies Vs. Tap Masters.  We haven't played them yet.  The TM's are a .500 team.  This should be a safe match up.  A slam dunk if you will.  But in case the mere records aren't enough, there are other things in our favour in this one.  Number one, its a 9:30 games and we're 0-5 at that start time.  Also, its at Keogh Park where we're 1-11 on the season.  Tap Masters 7 Grisslies 2.    (2-17-1)

Grisslies Vs. Dislocated Joints.  You see what these guys did?  Tried to force us into a forfeit?  "We don't have enough players, you can have the game."  Ha!  I saw that coming, no cheap wins for the Grisslies!  History missed for a forfeit????  Not on my watch.  No sir.  So we rescheduled to Monday the 12th of August.  We already lost to them 14-7 and we're hell bent on making it 2 in a row.  This game is at 8:15 and our record at that start time is 0-4 on the year.  Whew.  The only worry point in this one is that game is at C3 where we're 1-0 on the season.  Prediction:  Joints 18 - Grisslies 12 (2-18-1)  NOTE:  The original game was supposed to be at C3; the rematch is at Keogh which works in our favour. 

Grisslies Vs. Brew Jays.  I'm not even going to bother with the stats.  Okay, one stat.  We have no regular season wins against the Brew Jays.  Ever.  Rod will hit two out....Bo goes 5/5, de Savoye drives in a clutch run in the 6th.  Brew Jays 17 Grisslies 13 (2-19-1)

At this point, we'll take over the lead with the all time worst winning percentage at .114 on the season.  Now it'll just be a matter of focus to seal the deal  All it will take is one lousy win to be just another lousy team with a lousy record.  We want to be the measuring stick against what all future lousy teams are measured.

Hot Tub Woody's Vs. Grisslies.  The last match-up finished 35-20.  Will Goodin Hunting will try for his second 6/6 night of the year, both against the Grisslies.  Lance The Air Horgan will be aiming for his second 7/7.  And Yoke will probably pound 3 out of the yard.  Scott Barton will clinch the batting title.  Bob Vaughan will be asked to be removed from the game with the reason being "boredom".  Dancey will hit 3 triples but stop at 2nd out of pity.  Hopkins will set a modern day pinch runner record.    Woody's 22- Grisslies 11 (2-20-1).

Rusty Rebels Vs. Grisslies.  I'm a little worried about this one.  The Rusty Rebels will probably already know what position they're finishing the season in.  They may have lost interest.  If they're at all distracted we could be buggered.  Its at C2 where we're 0-5-1 so that helps, but this isn't a sure thing.  It would be a shame to come this far and fall short.  My prediction is the Rebels come from 3 down in the 7th to steal the win.  Rebels 9 - Grisslies 8 and a record that no team will ever top!

2-21-1 .104%!!!

The Speech

Setting:  The Donini deck, 8:00pm on Thursday August 8th.  An hour and an a 1/2 before opening pitch. 

Rob:  You serious about this last place thing?
Doug: Sort of.
Rob:  Do you think we have a chance at the worst record ever?
Doug: Well, if no one gets healthy and we keep getting poor pitching, bad defense and no clutch hitting; we have a shot I think. 
Rob:  Well, I disagree with the pitching part, but I hope you're right.  I'd like to hoist at least one trophy this year!
Doug: There's no trophy for the worst of all time....just the honor of knowing you've done it.
Rob:  Oh?  Well then.  I guess I'll get to hoist an honor. 
Doug:  You can't hoist an....never-mind.  Sure, sounds good.   
Rob:  Hey, I wanted to ask, what's with the beards?
Doug: Oh, Doris and I sporting playoff beards. 
Rob:  They look stupid
Doug: Thanks. 
Rob:  I mean, I can pull off a beard, but you two look like Guido and Giovanni on a construction site.
Doug: That's kind of racist. 
Rob:  I told you before, I'm fast, but I'm no racist.
Doug: You wouldn't be making comments like that about a visible minority, but it okay to insult Italians?.
Rob:  How could I?  If they're invisible how would I see them?
Doug: Not IN-visible; VISIBLE!  Visible Minority!
Rob: Oh.  Well.  You make up your own rules to suit yourself.
Doug: No I don't, I use common sense.
Rob:  I can out common sense you.
Doug: [eyes rolling] Yeah, with your racist speed. 
Rob:  That's not fair.  Let me get all fill-a-popcicle on ya.
Doug: Philosophical?
Rob:  Stop repeating everything I say.
Doug:  [sigh]
Rob:   So you "claim" that I'm being racist because of my Italian construction comment. 
Doug:  Yeah
Rob:   Well you're wrong. So there.
Doug:  That's your philosophical argument?
Rob:   Yep.  Pretty bullet proof too....you can't poke holes in it
Doug: Oh yeah, very sound. 
Rob:   I can give you more. 
Doug:  Please don't.
Rob:   Lets take a visible minority.
Doug:  Lets not, these conversations make me uncomfortable. 
Rob:   Lets take the Irish.
Doug:  What?
Rob:   The Irish.
Doug: That's not really a visible minority. 
Rob:   They wear green.  They stand out.  Haven't you seen those "Kiss Me I'm Irish" t-shirts?  Are you blind?  If that's not visible, I don't know what is.
Doug: Its still not what that means. 
Rob:   What about Leprechauns?
Doug:  What about them?
Rob:   They're Irish!
Doug:  They're fictional!
Rob:   You mean they get hot when you rub them?
Doug: FICTION! Not Friction!  Jesus.
Rob:   Oh.  Well anyway.  They're short.
Doug: Ya.
Rob:   Like a 6 year old kid
Doug:  Ya.
Rob:   And they have beards.
Doug:  So?
Rob:   They wear green and click their heels and they talk funny.
Doug: AND????
Rob:   Well I don't know about you but I would consider a heel clicking six year old in green that's rocking a beard and a bad accent to be HIGHLY visible. 
Doug: OMG.....SO WHAT!!!! Neither the Irish nor Leprechauns are a visible minority!
Rob:   Hmmmmm.  Allow me hippo-potamize. 
Doug:  Hypothesis. 
Rob:   Again with the repeating.  How many Leprechauns to you think are in the world today?
Doug:  None.
Rob:   Then how do you know what they look like?
Doug: Because there are pictures of FICTIONAL friggin' Leprechauns!!!
Rob:   Well then, if I may emancipate
Doug:  Ironic, but the word is elaborate. 
Rob:   Fine, how many FICTIONAL leprechauns do you think there are in the world.
Doug: That's a stupid question. 
Rob:   There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers.  And that's a quote from Mrs. Davies' grade three class.  So stick that in your ear and smoke it.  Screw you Dwyer. 
Doug: Where's Al?  I need a witness for this one.
Rob:   How many?????? 
Doug: Okay, I give.  I'll say there are 3000 fictional leprechauns in the world today. 
Rob:   See?
Doug: What?
Rob:  There's only stupid answers, and that was one of them.  Okay then, how many Irish people are there in there in the world
Doug: In the world or Ireland?
Rob:   Lets say just in Irishland. 
Doug: About 6 and 1/2 million
Rob:   Ah-Ha!!!
Doug: What?
Rob:   If there 6 and a half million Irish people and only 3000 Leprechauns, that means roughly.....about....ba...ba..carry the 7....do...de...do....30% of all Irish people are Leprechauns. 
Doug:  More like one ten-thousandths of a percent.
Rob:   That much?  Well, either way its a minority and and we've already embellished...
Doug: established
Rob:   Yes, established that Leprechauns are CLEARLY visible whether fictional or not.  
Doug: Is there an end to this.
Rob:   Yes.  I win.  You lose.  Chalk one up for the Moral Majority.  You're welcome.   The end. 


Rob in his infinite wisdom and glory decided to move away from the 70's folk ballads that everyone had been enjoying and move to something more current.  He chose at 26 year old song so in fairness, it is slightly younger than the league.  The song?  Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal."  Music ====>  HERE

Grisslie Criminals

As they Came Into The Ball Park
It Was The Sound Of A Fiasco
They Came Into Tap Masters Dugout
He noticed there was a little burnout
He Ran Underneath the bench Table
He Could See the team wasn’t Stable
So He Ran Into The Legion
He Was Struck Down, He was Beaten

Timmy are you OK?
So,  Timmy Are You OK
Are You OK, Timmy
Jason Are You OK
So, Jason Are You OK
Are You OK, Jason

Timmy are you OK?
So,  Timmy Are You OK
Are You OK, Timmy
Jason Are You OK
So, Jason Are You OK
Are You OK, Jason
Timmy Are You OK

Will You Tell Us That You're OK
There's A Sign on the car Window
That He Struck You out-A Crescendo Timmy
Its almost as bad as a Dodge Caliber
You Left The Bloodstains On The Alternator
When You Ran Into The Dugout

You Were Struck Down
You were beaten

 Timmy are you OK?
So,  Timmy Are You OK
Are You OK, Timmy
Jason Are You OK
So, Jason Are You OK
Are You OK, Jason

Timmy are you OK?
So,  Timmy Are You OK
Are You OK, Timmy
You've Been Hit By
You've struck By

The Grisslie Criminals
So The Game was a blowout a runaway
It Was Thursday-What A Black Day
Mouth To Mouth Resus-Citation
Sorry you had a bad game, but this ain’t gonna happen 

Timmy are you OK?
So, Timmy Are You OK
Are You OK, Timmy
Jason Are You OK
So, Jason Are You OK
Are You OK, Jason

Timmy are you OK?
So, Timmy Are You OK
Are You OK, Timmy
Jason Are You OK
So, Jason Are You OK
Jason  Are You OK

Will You Tell Us That You're OK
There's A Sign on store Window
That the pizzas come with extra tomatoes, Jason
Its almost as a flour filled ball cap
You Left The pizza stains On The Tap Master Apron
Then You Ran Into The Dugout

You Were Struck out
You were beaten
Jason Are You OK
So, Jason Are You OK
You've Been Hit By
You've struck By
The Grisslie Criminals

THE GAME

And what it game it was!  The Tap Masters came to play and delivered a knock out punch early rolling a 7 in the first inning.  We knew we had this locked up from the get go.  4 more losses to immortality!!!

You know, you'd think that when you score as many runs as the Draft Kings did in their game that you'd be in good shape.  Figures that they'd pull their season low performance getting only 3 runs on the night. 

It was an interesting night for the Tap Masters.  The scored 30 runs yet no one had a perfect night at the plate.  They played exactly how we thought they would, primarily keeping the ball off the ground and hitting it in the air; yet every batted ball seemed to elude us.

Every Tap Master scored at least 2 runs.  Generally, that doesn't bode well for the other team.

I have to hand it to our subs Andy Gee, Dave Fleming and Al Bales who were still running back to the fence, swinging the sticks and giving up blood (literally) when it was well out of hand.  Thanks gents.

The new bat is fantastic.  They guys swinging it wearing Grey were not.

Mr Clouthier was his normal stellar self on the mound last night holding the Grisslies to only 10 baserunners on the entire night.

WoW.

Half of our remaining games are next week.  Stats BLOG Saturday, but we'll see you Monday.