I know that everyone thinks they're an expert when it comes to manly things like driving and parking and BBQing and baseball stats. But there are times when we turn to the experts and get their opinions. If you're too cool to acknowledge that someone may actually know more than you, then why don't you just stop reading now?
Okay, now that we got rid of Steve De Land, the rest of you can enjoy:
Parking Tips with Harley Sherman:
Harley has renown parking ability. He's managed to squeeze into spots that were previously thought to be unimaginable. We've shown him some pictures and he's given some commentary and advice. We have expert resources in this league, we ought to use them more. Off we go.....
CASE STUDY #1
HARLEY SAYS: Its well documented that 45% of all parking lot accidents happen within 30 feet of a Ford Fiesta. Parking next to one is just begging for trouble. No one could have predicted a lake beneath a car, but honestly, if that car had been hit by a meteor wouldn't have shocked me.
CASE STUDY #2
HARLEY SAYS: You drive a HONDA PILOT! You DO NOT need two spots to protect your precious automobile. If someone hit you, they'd be doing you a favour. Seriously, if you had a Bentley or even a Ford Fiesta, I could cut you a little slack. But you deserve to be hit.
CASE STUDY #3
HARLEY SAYS: What is this? Parking for Hoarders? I fail to see the need to launch your car into a garage. There is no rational explanation for this one. It must have been foggy.
CASE STUDY #4
HARLEY SAYS: This one is completely plausible. I've seen it a few times. Obviously the woman in the picture was NOT the driver. Its a common misconception what women can't park. That is wholly untrue. Women are great at parking. Women cannot however give backing up instructions to their husband. When they do, this happens. Shame on him for listening. Shame on her for trying
CASE STUDY #5
HARLEY SAYS: I blame the town for this one. What in the name of god were they thinking putting a fire hydrant that close to a house???? Hydrants are supposed to be 3 ft from the road. This is just irresponsible civic planning.
CASE STUDY #6
HARLEY SAYS: I remember this from the Die Hard movie. I'm not just protecting the police here, they are capable of bad parking like everyone else. But when an Austrian terrorist lands on the roof of your squad car, stuff happens.
CASE STUDY #7
HARLEY SAYS: Yes, this is known as the Hammel Avenue effect. This name is based on the disproportionate number of public transit drivers who live on that street. Clearly there was enough room to park here, but bus drivers are greedy with their lane spacing. The real story in this picture are Cal Russel and James Taylor sitting together on the curb, although that's probably just a coincidence.
CASE STUDY #8
HARLEY SAYS: There are a couple of reasonable explanations for this. 1. The female directions again. 2. Fog again. 3. Stuck accelerator. 4. The Ferris Bueller effect; they're all rational answers. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. This gentleman obviously gave his wife an ultimatum, "the cat or me". When he saw the cat in the garage, he saw his opportunity. Sadly, those little buggers have 9 lives.
CASE STUDY #9
HARLEY SAYS: Why do people take these pictures? If you were to look from the front, this is the "perfect" police stakeout. I don't believe this was a mistake at all, just good detective work. I just hope the bad guys weren't coming from the back.
CASE STUDY #10
HARLEY SAYS: I've had an explanation for every one of these, but this one is quite obviously a fake. Getting to that spot with the car still intact is impossible. And those skid marks were clearly added in after the fact. Sorry, I'm too experienced to fall for that one.
That you are Harley, that you are. Next time you see Mr. Sherman, please be sure to thank him for his helpful advice!
THE SPEECH
Sitting around with Rob Farah on a Saturday can be an experience. This one day we had a Farah threesome, that's where we invite the Colonel over and have fried chicken! So the two of us are sitting there eating the colonel's finest, sipping a pop and talking baseball. Does life actually get any better?
Rob: Who's "Downtown?"
Doug: Are you kidding?
Rob: Yeah. Of course I'm kidding. Had you going though didn't I?
Doug: Okay, I'll admit it, I totally fell for that one. You got me.
Rob: [laughs] [quiet for a minute] So.... Say I wasn't joking. What would you answer then?
Doug: I'd say you're an idiot.
Rob: Yeah! [laughs] Good one. [quiet for a minute] Then what?
Doug: The what, "what?"
Rob: Then would you tell me who this "Downtown" guy is?
Doug: ROB!!! Come on man, its Bill Brown! He's been nicknamed "Downtown" for 3 years at least. He even has that as the name on his shirt!
Rob: OHHHHHHH! Right, right, right, right.
Doug: This is getting a little ridiculous Rob. You know this stuff. You're getting forgetful or something.
Rob: Oh, I know. Can't you tell I'm just pulling your arm?
Doug: Leg?
Rob: No I'm good, I have a wing.
Doug: Never mind.
Rob: Doug. I'm joking. I get it. Pulling your LEG! Haha.
Doug: Ok. Well, I never know anymore.
Rob: Geez...you're getting really sensitive lately. Relax! Have a thigh.
Doug: Alright, thanks.
Rob: So listen.... [quiet] ... Who's Bill Brown?
To the tune of Jim Croce's Bad Bad Leroy Brown, Rob has come up with the best one of the year so far! Music ===> HERE. There's only two chords, you could probably play it on a rubber band between two paper clips; but it is still a WAY FUN song!
Down Town Billy Brown
Well on the North side of the 'Hammer
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go up there
You better just beware of a man named Billy Brown
Now Billy's, more than trouble
You see he stands 'bout six foot four
All the Nottawasaga ladies call him Treetop Lover
All the men just call him Sir
And it's Down, Town, Billy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than Terry singing a song
And meaner than those nasty Red Dogs
Now Billy, he's a comedian
And he likes his fancy clothes
And he likes to wave his championship rings
In front of everybody's nose
He got a custom Continental
He got an Eldorado too
He got a 32 ounce bat in his pocket for fun
He got some stickum in his shoe
And it's Down, Town, Billy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than Terry singing a song
And meaner than those nasty Red Dogs
Well, Legion, 'bout a week ago
Billy shootin' sh*t
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named Doris and ooh, that girl has sharp wit.
Well, he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
'Cause Billy Brown learned a lesson
'Because that Doris was a man!
And it's Down, Town, Billy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than Terry singing a song
And meaner than those nasty Red Dogs
Well, the two men took to verbal sparing
And when they pulled them to the door
Billy's humour looked like a jigsaw puzzle
With a couple of pieces gone
And it's Down, Town, Billy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than Terry singing a song
And meaner than those nasty Red Dogs
And it's Down, Town, Billy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than Terry singing a song
And meaner than those nasty Red Dogs
Badder than Terry singing a song
And meaner than those nasty Red Dogs
THE GAME
Its getting a little tough to write about the games.....
Lets give it a whirl, shall we? The Grisslies accomplished a rare feat getting the 4-0 Dislocated Joints in order in the 1st inning. YaY Grisslies! We also scored one of our own in the 1st on a clutch Art Sagert 2-out hit, to take a 1-0 nothing lead! YaY again Grisslies!
Then we gave up 6.
Then we had 2 shut out innings.
Then we gave up 4.
Then we gave up 2.
Then we gave up 6 again.
All the while we could muster no more than a single run in any inning through the first 6 and were trailing 18-4 entering the bottom of the 7th.
Its not like I can say that we were "nickle" and "dimed" by the Joints. Sure, they had a few bleeders. And we missed the cut-off man a few times and that caused us bases and ultimately runs. But the Joints were full measure for their 18 runs. They had a 3 triple inning in the second. They had doubles galore and ran the bases aggressively. Maybe too aggressively. In a closer game, it might of mattered, but the Joints had 3 runners thrown out on the bases.
In this game though, up by two touchdowns, no one cared.
While there was damage inflicted from all points on this night, Super rookie Martin Ranby and Captain Terry Doucet led the charge; both were 4/4.
Oh, that Grisslie bottom of the 7th? We scored 6 runs! It brought the final to 18-10. I believe that still counts as a loss though.
Up next, we'll try to regroup against the Dog Catchers who got their first win of the season earlier this week. I wonder who they beat in that game? Oh yeah....it was us.
Things to check out:
Check out the Dislocated Joints game notes from DTBB ==> JOINTS
Check out the Tap Master's game notes from Jason Bowers ==> Tapped Out
Check out the Brew Jays game notes from Rod and Bo ==> Jays Squawk
Check out the Hurtin' Units BLOG ==> Hannibal Lecter
The League's Official Website ==> League
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