BACKGROUND TERMs (Jug = a jug of beer, which is the penalty all players pay if they strikeout in a game; Clubhouse = The Legion)
The team has been lured into the same place that countless teams before them have. Poor bastards. They didn't see it coming. They never do.
After the first game, someone commented, "isn't it interesting that your two returning Grisslies didn't show up in the clubhouse for a beer afterward and everyone else did?"
I replied, "yeah, that's weird!". Inside I was thinking, "no bloody wonder".
We had been through a team meeting, a practice and now the first game.
Rob: Okay guys its time to talk about the team rules.
All: [attention fully on Rob]
Rob: First off, all rule violations come with a penalty. We give you a choice of a $1000.00 donation to the Help the Kids Play organization or buying a jug for the team. Okay?
Art: That seems a little strong Rob!
Rob: You can get Coors lite if you want. Ex is crap anyway.
Art: No, not the jug. I meant the $1000.00 donation. I love that program and donate time every year, but that's a little ridiculous.
Rob: Right there Art; that's a jug.
Art: What's a jug?
Rob: You questioned me, Robert Farah, founder, President and CEO of the Grisslies. That's rule #1, never question your captain's, particularly me. That's a jug.
Lance: That's hardly fair....you didn't even tell us the rules yet!
Rob: I like how you think Lance. That's why its hard for me to tell you this: That's a jug. You too questioned the founder, President, blah, blah, blah and broke rule #1. Off you go now. The sooner you guys realize that this isn't a democracy and that its a Robocracy, the easier it'll be on everyone.
[Lance and Art in line for jugs]
Rob: Any other questions?
All: [looking down] No.
Rob: Good. Now I'll go over the rules. #1. Never question your captain's, particularly me. [Rob looks around, no one says anything] #2. If one of your team mates questions a captain, particularly me, behind my back you MUST tell me. Any questions yet?
Gary: Yes. I'm not "questioning you" per se, I just have a question, is that alright?
Rob: Certainly, I want an open and honest team.
Gary: Great, thanks. Do you think rules like this will really contribute to team unity?
Rob: That's a jug.
Gary: Come on, you said that asking a question would not break rule #1!
Rob: True. But rule #4 is to avoid team unity at all costs! We've found....
[Lance and Art return to the table]
Bobby V: What???? Avoid team unity, I've been a captain for years and the MOST important thing is team unity?
Rob: You see what you did right there? That's a jug.
Bobby V: Why????
Rob: Rule #7, never interrupt your captains, particularly me. Shall I continue with the rules while Gary and Bob get their jugs?
[no one says anything]
Rob: Okay, where was I? #1 never question, #2 tell on your team mates.....oh right #3 striking out is obviously a jug. [general nodding and agreement]. #4, avoiding team unity as it will negatively impact the Robocracy. #5, you will refer to me as "Founder", "Emperor", "The Fearless One" or "His Awesomeness". You will refer to Doug Dwyer as "The Other Captain". [Rob looks around and sees Ricky-Bobby shaking his head]. Ricky, that's a jug.
Rick: What???? I didn't say a word!
Rob: Rule #6, there will be no shaking of one's head or any negative body language directed at the captains, particularly me.
Rick: Great. Thanks. I'm so excited to by buying a pitcher for the team "your AWESOMENESS"!!!
Rob: Rick, while you're up there getting a jug, why don't you buy 2?
Rick: Why now "your excellency"????
Rob: Rule #8, Never direct sarcasm toward the captains, particularly me - I don't care so much about "the other captain"
[Bob and Gary back at the table, Ricky Bobby in line]
Rob: Okay Art, Lance, Bob, Gary and and Ricky...you all owe a jug.
[Gary puts up his hand]
Rob: Yes Gary?
Gary: Well Emperor. I'm wondering why we have to get another one each when there are already 5 jugs on the table and I don't see anything else we did wrong your eminence. And I'm not saying any of this sarcastically.
Rob: Rule #9, never leave the table when a captain, particularly me, is speaking. You all got up to get a pitcher.
Gary: WTF, you told us to go.
Rob: That's a jug. Gary, you go get two. Rule #10, this is an acronym from zone.
THE SPEECH
Rob (of the Farah's) does not miss a beat. No sir. He is quite aware of the east coast contingent in our league and wanted to do something to appeal to the down east masses. When he's not making rules, he's thinking of others. Rob (of the Farah's), of course, consulted his good friend, east coaster and neighbour. Rob (of the McCarron's)
Farah: I'm thinking of doing a song for you non-Ontar-i-ari-arians. Something east coastish.
McCarron: That's a good idea, I think the guys would like that. What do you have in mind?
Farah: I was thinking of Ashley MacIsaac.
McCarron: Well, you know, he's a real good fiddler. Real good. But he doesn't actually sing. Its just music, I don't know how you're going to do lyrics to that.
Farah: Oh. Well then, what about the Irish Rovers? I used to watch them on the Pig and Whistle. And they must be from the east coast because they talk kind of funny.
McCarron: I love the Rovers, but I'm pretty sure they're Irish, not east coast. We can get Dwyer to check that on the google machine but I'm pretty confident.
Farah: Oh. Never mind, I know what I'll do. I'll do a Nickleback song!
McCarron: Aren't they from Alberta?
Farah: Hahahaha, are you trying to tell me that Alberta isn't east?
McCarron: Well, its east of British Columbia, but I'm pretty sure that its not technically considered a Maritime Province. Not yet anyway.
Farah: Hmmmm, this is harder than I thought.
McCarron: Why don't you go with a sea shanty?
Farah: Is that a drink?
And after much explanation and painstaking writing, Rob (of the Farah's) reworked Stan Rogers' classic sea shanty "Barret's Privateers" in to the cleverly worded, "Candy's Privateers." Here is a link to the song to help you with tune ==> LINK If you are from down east, you'll need no help with this song; if you're not from the east, you really should know this song as its a piece of Canadiana. If you're from Woodbridge - maybe someone can read it too you. (oh....I love a hearty laugh)
Incidentally, Rob (of the Farah's) wrote this as though Rob (of the McCarron's) was singing it. I think that lends it a certain authenticity that would have otherwise been lacking.
CANDY's PRIVATEERS
Oh, the year was 2012,
HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHOMBERG NOW!
A letter of marque came from McLean,
Ordered to the scummiest dugout I'd ever seen,
God damn them all!
I was told we'd cruise the league for baseball gold
We'd fire just strikes and run in first gear
Now I'm a broken man drinking legion beer
The tallest of Candy's Privateers.
Oh, Mr. Candy cried the town,
HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHOMBERG NOW!
For 11 brave men all baseballers who
would make for him the Red Dog's crew
God damn them all!
I was told we'd cruise the league for baseball gold
We'd fire just strikes and run in first gear
Now I'm a broken man drinking legion beer
The tallest of Candy's Privateers.
The Red Dog crew was a sickening sight,
HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHOMBERG NOW!
The shirts were new, shiny and bright
But stretched over bellies caused nothing but fright.
God damn them all!
I was told we'd cruise the league for baseball gold
We'd fire just strikes and run in first gear
Now I'm a broken man drinking legion beer
The tallest of Candy's Privateers.
On the Kate Smith's birthday we started the year,
HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHOMBERG NOW!
We are 59 days til the season's half way
We'll be playing like madmen all the way
God damn them all!
I was told we'd cruise the league for baseball gold
We'd fire just strikes and run in first gear
Now I'm a broken man drinking legion beer
The tallest of Candy's Privateers.
On the 118th day the playoffs begin,
HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHOMBERG NOW!
When a chance at a new great jacket is in sight
We'll rally our troops for the week long fight
God damn them all!
I was told we'd cruise the league for baseball gold
We'd fire just strikes and run in first gear
Now I'm a broken man drinking legion beer
The tallest of Candy's Privateers.
The Grisslies look lazy from champion's malaise,
HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHOMBERG NOW!
They were once feared but not these days
In an inning or two we'll wear 'em out and easily slay!
God damn them all!
I was told we'd cruise the league for baseball gold
We'd fire just strikes and run in first gear
Now I'm a broken man drinking legion beer
The tallest of Candy's Privateers.
Jumping out front was easy to do,
HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHOMBERG NOW!
Our power simply kept coming through
But we didn't count on the come back beginning to brew.
God damn them all!
I was told we'd cruise the league for baseball gold
We'd fire just strikes and run in first gear
Now I'm a broken man drinking legion beer
The tallest of Candy's Privateers.
The Red Dog's shook and pitched on her side,
HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHOMBERG NOW!
An error or two was all it took.
For the Grisslies to cash in and run all amok!
God damn them all!
I was told we'd cruise the league for baseball gold
We'd fire just strikes and run in first gear
Now I'm a broken man drinking legion beer
The tallest of Candy's Privateers.
So here I lay after another game,
HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHOMBERG NOW!
It's been just a sort time that the season's been under way
And its seems much too soon until we play the last day.
God damn them all!
I was told we'd cruise the league for baseball gold
We'd fire just strikes and run in first gear
Now I'm a broken man drinking legion beer
The tallest of Candy's Privateers.
THE GAME
Well.
We can do this one of two ways. We can go on about missed opportunities. Weird plays. 17 base runners over 6 innings. A loss
Or. We can look at exceptional defense. Great pitching. People feeling good about their positions. And a damned fine game against a really good team.
We did a lot of things right in losing a 7-6 game to Candy's Privateers. Their murderers row of Brad Young, Rob McCarron and Mark Kolsen were held to a combined 6-9. Not bad.
However pitcher Eric Hipken fielded his position beautifully and went 4-4. He was followed by Diamond Jim Rouleau who was 3-4 and the only time we got him he damned near ripped our first baseman's glove off!
As usual it was fun playing Candy's crew. They are really good sports and they have a great knack of playing the same way whether they up a bunch or down a bunch. I'm looking forward to the rematch!
Things to check out:
Check out the Dislocated Joints game notes from DTBB and Terry ==> JOINTS
Check out the Tap Master's game notes from Jason Bowers ==> Tapped Out
Check out the Brew Jays game notes from Rod ==> Jays Squawk
Check out the Hurtin' Units BLOG ==> Hannibal Lecter
The League's Official Website ==> League
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