GAME 11: Me and Bobby's Bum Knee

THE INTRO

Ladies and Gentlemen.   After multiple threats to my personal well being, I have decided to suspend and potentially stop the investigative report into a secret society operating with our league.  After consulting with my attorney, she has advised me to allow the police to conclude their investigation prior to making taking any further action.  Once I have the full picture, I will determine whether or not it is worth the safety risks to continue. 

In the meantime, please accept this rather hastily thrown together and hopefully moderately entertaining game 11 BLOG. 

I was a little down after the loss to the Red Dogs.  I'll admit it.  We had been playing so well as a team in all facets of the game and were completely flat against the Red Dogs.  It was disappointing. 

I was talking to Jim "Mickey" Mannell afterward.  I said something along the lines of, "Jim, how can it go so bad, so fast?  There has to be a way to stay consistent."   Jim replied saying, "don't be such a sour %x*&er, you dumb ^%@#. "  That Mickey.  Such a way with the language. 

Then he said, "you know....there is a sure fire way to win, but it'll cost you".  "Jim", I said, "I ain't doing no 'roids, its not going to happen."   Jim of course said, "don't be such a stupid "%x*&er, you dumb ^%@#.   I'm not talking about 'roids, I'm talking about a guaranteed victory". 

"Okay, how does that work", I ask?

"I have a pamphlet at home, I'll send it to you", Mickey replies.

Below you will find the pamphlet I received from Mickey Mannell.  I'm strongly considering this:

How To Sell Your Soul

1. Determine how much your soul is worth

As with many things in this topic, this is a tricky one. People generally make the mistake of thinking that there is only one buyer for souls, but that's not the case. If you are ill informed you won't have the good fortune of playing sides against each other. You can artificially drive the price up if you don't single-thread your selling techniques. You have to look at other people who sold their soul and determine whether your soul is of less, equal or higher value. Establish your market!

Lets look at some examples. Hanson sold their souls in order to get one hit song (Mmmmmbop). But those were 3 relatively innocent children. How does your soul compare with that? Barry Bonds sold his soul to be the home run king, surely you can establish that your soul was purer than his.

But don't be foolish here, you must be discerning and SPECIFIC. For example, George W. Bush sold his soul to be 10 times smarter without realizing that this would still keep him well below average intelligence.

Is your goal to win the championship? Or is your goal to win the championship and be your team's star while doing so? Or is your goal to win the championship, be your team's star and be adored? These variables matter, make sure you take that all into account when discussing value!

2. Determine whether or not you need a lawyer

Once you determine your soul's perceived value you need to decide whether or not you will use a lawyer to handle the sale and contract negotiation. 

This can be problematic.

Lawyers are well versed in transactions concerning the soul. They are also a bit of risk because they are frequently tied to the buyer (obviously). If you do retain a lawyer, they will take up to 25% of your sale. Its just the way it works. However, if you get a good lawyer (oxymoron, I know) they may be able to get you way more than you could have on your own and would thereby 'pay for themselves'.

Lawyering is personal decision.

3. List your soul

This is the easiest part. This is where "I wish" becomes "I want" or "I will". This is a non-verbal decision. The buyers will know when you're ready.

4. Know your Buyers

There are many potential buyers for your soul. Over the last 15 years (all data from STATS CAN), 96% of all souls have been purchased by one of the following: Satan, The Devil, The Serpent, The Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Lucifer, The Prince of Demons, Belail, The Angel of Deepness, The Prince of Devils, Beelzebub, The Fallen Angel, The Cloven One, The Foul Fiend, The Prince of Demons, The Prince of Darkness, The Prince of Pain, Diablo and Mephistopheles.

While your buyer is most likely to come from this group, a new category of buyer has slowly emerged. These are people who have previously sold their soul and are now trying to purchase a replacement soul. The secondary soul market nearly doubling every year! People who have recently sold there soul and may be willing to pay a hefty price for a replacement include: Zedeno Chara, Alex Rodriquez, Lebron James, Rob Ford and Sarah Palin.

5.  Market your soul

There are a few important things here. First DO NOT accept offers for the first week that your soul is on the market. This will create a little bit anxiety among the buyers and get rid of the speculators because they know it will be a competitive market.

On the last day of the "no offers period", you should strongly consider hosting an Open Soul for prospective buyers. If you do this, it is CRITICAL that you properly stage your soul. Hi-light the open areas and put shinny things in the well lit areas as it will make your soul appear roomier. Avoid calling attention to the darker recesses of your soul. Those areas will do nothing for your sale price. You want your soul to look clean, big and inviting.

A common mistake is to assume that all potential buyers are looking for the same thing. They aren't. You may have the perfect soul for the Sarah Palin, but not for the Prince of Pain. Now if you make your soul 'generically' appealing you might make it interesting enough for the Prince of Pain to put an offer in; but you will probably only drive down the price that Sarah Palin would have paid. Just remember that you can't please everyone.

6. Wait for offers.

If you've done everything correctly to this point, you should recieve multiple offers.

If you don't receive multiple offers, a) DON'T PANIC! b) DON'T DROP YOUR PRICE. If there is no action for a week or so, consider taking your soul off the market. The typical reason for a soul not selling is that it isn't clean enough. If you take it off the market, follow all the steps again and hire a professional stager. It will cost a bit, but they will have your soul looking like Mother Theresa's in a heartbeat.

7. Get a soul inspector

Again, tricky. Soul inspectors are often 'greased' by buyers. I think its best if you hire your inspector before you even list your soul. This way their commitment is to you.

8. Close the deal.

If you don't have a lawyer, READ THE FINE PRINT!

THE SPEECH

This song was written by Rob Farah during the draft.  After we drafted Bob Smith I looked at Rob and said, didn't he used to play for the Minnesota North Stars?  And Rob said, "I've got the perfect song"!

So Robbie ran out to the car and got some music sheet paper and his beat up old guitar and started putting it all together.  Can you believe that he only missed one round of the draft writing this?  Before your knew it the Janis Joplin (or Kris Kristofferson) anthem, "Me and Bobby McGee" was reworked and vastly improved to "Me and Bobby's Bum Knee". 

EDITORS NOTE:  this is probably one of the best 3 songs, EVER

For the music, CLICK ME

Me and Bobby’s Bum Knee

Busted flat in Beeton, waiting for the steam train
And I'm feeling nearly as faded as my jeans
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained,
It rode us all the way to Coventry.

Bob jumped out the flat bed, slipped on a dirty wet banana
At first my heart was broken and Bobby sang the blues.
Dream of championships left me, I was looking at Bobby's knee and began to whine,
Even the truck driver knew that we were screwed.

Baseball's just another word for breaking all the rules
Rules don't mean nothing brother to Bobby's knee, now now.
And if feeling good was easy, Lord, then we'd be on a cruise
You know feeling good enough was good enough for me
Good enough for me and Bobby's bum knee.

From Bolton and its coal mines to the Alliston and the sun,
Hey, Bobby played like his knee was all whole
Through all kinds of weather, through every game we won,
Kept Bobby busy, he never missed a throw.

One day up near Keogh, I saw him slip that day,
He went to the ground, and people though he'd had it.
But I knew better, after how he made it back from the fall that day,
Knew Bobby's knee would be just fine.

Baseball's just another word for breaking all the rules
Rules don't mean nothing brother to Bobby's knee, now now.
And if feeling good was easy, Lord, then we'd be on a cruise
You know feeling good enough was good enough for me
Good enough for me and Bobby's bum knee.

La la la, la la la la, la la la, la la la la
La la la la la Bobby's bum knee
La la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la la, Bobby's bum knee la.

La La la, la la la la la la,
La La la la la la la la la, this is the anthem for Bobby's bum knee yeah.
Na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na na
Hey now Bobby now, Bobby's bum knee, yeah.

Lord, he's the the number one glover, call him "the man"
I said, number glover, call him "the man"
C'mon, hey now Bobby's bum knee yeah, hey now Bobby's bum knee, yeah,
Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby's bum knee, Lord!
Yeah! Whew!
Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby's bum knee.

The Game

Roofies can be dangerous.  Fortunately I feel very rested!

 

So...we still have an undefeated team in our ranks, but not for lack of effort from the Grisslies.  We now pass the mantle of "chance to knock off the loss-less" to Frank Laird and the Banshees. 

 

Like a few (not many) teams before us, we gave them a game, but it wasn't enough.  We were missing our starting Short Stop, Bob "Minnesota" Smith and because of that our infield was a little patchwork.  They were missing a couple of quality players too so we'll call the missing team mates on both sides an "approximate" wash. 

 

We came out scoring five in the first and it took them a bit to get going, but the game really came down to the last two innings.  The Grisslies came back in the bottom of the 6th to narrow the gap to 2 runs on the strength of a rally started by Mickey Mannell, Dave "don't call me Terry" Doucette and Rene Stephanne Simard. In the top of the 7th we locked it down defensively. 

 

With the gap still two in the bottom of the 7th, we couldn't get a single base runner aboard and we ended up losing by those 2 runs.  It was a well played game by both sides.  I'm hoping we meet again. 

 

Punch Imlach once said, "If you can't beat them on the ice; beat them in the alley".  The Grisslies lived that edict last night, but with a slight twist.  "If you can't beat them on the field; out drink them in the Legion". 

 

Our drinking form was stellar last night.  Everyone stepped up.  I have to say, Rob Hayward led by example.  Its great when you're best drinker is also supportive of team mates who don't rate quite as highly as a drinker.  Robbie was the bomb, filling up glasses, encouraging people to get another pitcher, cheering on the 'average-drinkers'...great leadership.  And The Wad was amazing.  He's known for blazing speed and he did not disappoint.  He's known for going 1st to 3rd in a blink of an eye and last night he got from his 1st to 3rd pint in a blink of an eye. 

 

Guys, I couldn't be prouder of your Legion performance.  The fact that the Grisslies closed the joint is a testament to our stick-to-it-ive-ness (probably not a word). 

 

This brings me to another part of the night...the part I like the best as people start to leave and tables join together.  As I looked around at one point (and I had to write this down because my memory is horrible), there were guys from 8 different teams having a great time.  That may not seem unusual, but consider that only 4 different teams were playing last night. 

 

Great night on and off the diamond gents!