SUPER HERO

Could I Be Your Hero Baby?

Don't pretend you don't like seeing an Enrique Iglesias song used for a title.

Now sometimes its takes a little digging....but its usually worth it.  In this case, it paid off in spades.  I haven't reaped all the benefits of this yet, but when I win the Pulitzer for investigative journalism, well....dinner is on me!

Of course you all remember the rookie crop from last year.  Who could forget?  We had some standouts for sure.  I would say that group integrated seamlessly into their teams and had a two way respect with the league almost immediately.  That alone is fantastic.  But virtually all of them also stood out on their baseball play as well.  It was an exceptionally gifted rookie troop.  The truth is that there was a group within the group that was ridiculous with their play.  And it was spectacular play at that. 

So while I really don't like calling people out, I think I need to do it in this case.  Specifically, we're talking about Winston Gayle, The Beechey, Scott Mason, Steve Lahey and Brad Young.  Now before anyone gets bent, there were a host of other really good rookies last year but these guys played wicked good.  Like, could be "all-stars" good.  Now this level of ball, arriving all at the same time doesn't just "happen".  No, there's more to it than that.

So what do I do?  I poke around, I question, I prod, I infiltrate and before you know it I'm sitting at a poker table with The Beechey having a conversation.  And before you think I screwed up that last sentence, I didn't. 

We voted at our 2nd Executive meeting this year that due to last years stellar play, The Beechey's name must now and for the duration of the season be preceded a Definite Article.   So when referring to him directly we now have to say "The Beechey".  If you compliment a teammate on a nice play using The Beechey's name as a reference you have must say, "You made quite A Beechey there".

Let me be completely honest here for a minute, the Executive meetings can be trying.  No sooner had we passed this resolution than Mike Olliffe brought up that the word "some" can also be used a definite article.  Of course Al Fry, a noted entomologist, protested.  The meeting quickly regressed into series of discussions on 'uncountable nouns', 'partitives', 'determiners' and the always controversial 'indefinite pronoun'.  After a brief pillow fight we finally reached a resolution.

We will not refer to "some" as an indefinite article.

Now, you may not know this about The Beechey, but he'll talk a wee bit.  Not only that, he may give away a small seemingly insignificant secret or two.  But when you hit a wall?  I'm not adverse to Sodium Pentothal.

Do you know what that is?  Some call it the truth serum drug.  Others call it a necessary evil.  Still others call it a fun at a Saturday night card game!  Normally a couple of drops will do ya.  So here I am playing cards and I'm strategically sitting beside The Beechey with Farah, Routledge, Gee, Mason and a handful of other ne'er do wells at the table.  I'm working The Beechey, but I'm really getting nothing out of him.  "Oh yeah, Winston's really good, oh yeah, Brad's really good, I loved playing on Al's team"...blah, blah, blah.  Nothing people didn't already know.  I wanted more! 
 
So The Beechey goes to the washroom and I surreptitiously spike his drink.  I wait the requisite 15 minutes (like the instructions on the bottle said) and I'm pretty much getting the same type of answers. Still nothing much to speak of and I keep probing, but about ready to give up.  I say, "The Beechey, I just think it's weird that all you rookies came in the same year and were all so explosive."

Then The Beechey drops this little nugget, "Oh, its probably because we all went to school together".  Huh?  You all went to the same school?  The Beechey gets this 'did I say that out loud' look on his face, then seemingly can't stop the stream of words coming from his mouth, "yeah, just for 3 years though...we all went to the X-men school run by Pete Shmagola.  Our parents got letters saying we had 'special skills' and this school would help us hone these talents and teach us about algebra, whatever algebra is.  Of course our parents were all over it because it was private education at a reasonable cost.  And of course all the kids were into it because Pete made us kick-ass capes."

Me:  Capes?
The Beechey:  "Yeah, you know.  Like Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman"
Me:  Dude, Wonder Woman doesn't have a cape. 
The Beechey:  She does too.  You didn't go to X-men school.  You don't know, she was a guest speaker.   
Me:  Whatever The Beechey.  So what was your super skill?
The Beechey:  Promise not tell?
Me:  You bet.
The Beechey:   [looking around to make sure no one is listening in]  My power was [whispering] night hearing!
Me:  Night HEARING?
The Beechey:  Shhhhhh, ya!  Still works too.  I guess special skills just stay with you, like Superman and his ability to communicate with tropical fruit. 
Me:  I don't know how to tell you this, but everyone can hear at night. 
The Beechey:  Yeah, obviously.  Geez.  But I can hear in the PITCH BLACK in the middle of the night!
Me:  WOW......can you hear how impressed I am?
The Beechey:  If it was darker I could.  I'm not surprised that you're a little shocked.  Most people don't know someone with superpowers.  
Me:  So what about the other guys?  I'm curious.  What was Lahey's power?
The Beechey:  Oh, his was amazing.  He had COMPLETE immunity to paper cuts!  Never bled, never winced.  Incredible strength.
Me:  And you guys bought this, huh?  Never mind.  Who else would have been there?  What about Mason? 
The Beechey:  You mean SS?
Me:  SS?  Because he's a Short Stop? 
The Beechey:   No.  How did you get to be a captain, you're such a dolt.  SS stands for Super Scott.  He was a special one alright.  He had TWO powers!
Me:  Two!  Wow, this should really be interesting. 
The Beechey: Yeah, Scott was our communications guy.  Kind of the brainiac of things.  He was the guy that could get you out of a tricky situation using his smarts and language skills.  First off, he was a master of invisible hand writing and more importantly he could also speak braille.  
Me:  I can see how that would come in handy.
The Beechey:  No doubt.  Hey did you ever wonder why there is Braille on the key pad of a drive through bank machine?
Me:  Yeah, that's kind of curious.
The Beechey:  Sure it is, unless you went to Pete's school.  That was designed specifically for Super Scott.
Me:  I can see how that would help in crime fighting.  And Winston?

The Beechey:  Again, another double threat.  Winston could raise a man's cholesterol using only his mind and a pound of salted butter.  Plus he could move through time at the speed of time!
Me:  AT THE SPEED OF TIME?!?!?!
The Beechey: [nodding]  Wicked eh?  That explains how he was able to score from 1st base on a one bouncer to the pitcher. 
Me:  [head shaking]  I'm just afraid to know anymore. 
The Beechey: Oh, there were some guys you didn't even know in this school.  Or some guys who only went for a year or so and flamed out. 
Me:  I'm sure the stress of the super hero thing and stopping the evil element in the world caused a lot of anxiety. 
The Beechey:  I don't think it was that so much.  Probably more the geometry. 
Me:  Now that I can relate to.  What about Brad?
The Beechey: Well, Brad was kind of our spiritual leader.  He was actually born with the power of the "delayed reaction".  That comes in handy when you're trying to not be impulsive. 
Me:  I see......
The Beechey:  Or do you?
Me:  No, seriously.  Its probably the power I would choose for myself.  I mean; if the power of bullet attraction were already taken, I'd be all over the delayed reaction one.  Is that it?
The Beechey:  Yeah.  I mean that's it for our fully formed powers.  We always had others that we were working on. 
Me:  Oh this is a treat!  What else was there?
The Beechey:  Okay, I'll tell you, but I don't want to get kicked off the X-men School Reunion Committee so I need you to be really low key with this. 
Me:  I'll try my best.

The Beechey:  Well, we were working on new assortment of powers when the school disbanded, Pete called it a "happy meal". I'm not sure what that meant. 
Me:  So what was in the Happy Meal. 
The Beechey:  Usually fries, cheeseburger, small coke.  And of course, the toy!
Me:  Seriously The Beechey?
The Beechey:  Oh.  Sorry, just got a little hungry there for a second.  Well when we got to school in the morning at 9:08...
Me:  9:08?  Why 9:08?  Why not 9:00 or 9:15?
The Beechey:  Mr. Pete always said to expect the unexpected so we he started at 9:08 every day.
Me:  But didn't you come to expect that?
The Beechey: Yeah
Me:  This isn't a confusing philosophy to you?
The Beechey:  Yes.  No.  Wait.  Yes.  No wait, No.  Definitely No.  Ummmm, I'm not sure....
Me:  Never mind.  What happened every day at 9:08?
The Beechey:  Right, we'd start every day in a room for 43 minutes...
Me:  43 minutes because you're expecting the unexpected...
The Beechey: Yes...We'd spend 43 working on our collective power of Extraordinary Common Sense. 
Me:  Nice. 
The Beechey:  Then we'd move directly in physical training because you need to work both the Mind and the Body.  And we'd work on the Ability to Move in Super Slow Motion AND our Ability to teleport through space to the same spot you started at. 
Me:  Stunning, did anyone ever perfect either of these?
The Beechey:  Sadly, no.  But a few of us got close.  Winston was close on Teleportation and Mason was all over Super Slow Motion, but neither were certified. Anyway after our Hero Sandwiches for lunch, we'd have a long session working on "The Power to See Through Your Eyelids When you Blink Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Fast".  And then lastly there was the "The Ability to Make a Cigarette Go Out by Just Starring at it".
Me:  Wow!  That last one would at least be a clever bar trick.  Did it work?
The Beechey:  DID IT EVER!!!!!!  The timing was a little hit and miss, but I never failed to get cigarette to extinguish with my mind. 
Me:  You're full of it The Beechey. 
The Beechey:  Swear.  You just stare at the smoke and it goes out.  Sometimes it takes 3 minutes, sometimes 10 or 12.  But eventually its gong out. 

Me:  Fascinating.  So what happened to the school?  Did you figure out it was a scam?
The Beechey:  Scam?  Haven't you been listening?  We were quite obviously progressing well with the whole superhero training.  The only issues was the Province wide testing. It was a school after all.
Me:  Ouch...you guys all flunked?
The Beechey:  Bad.  I know Pete petitioned to keep us open on the grounds that we were essentially awesome, but it fell on deaf ears. 
Me:  Must have been dark.  They probably couldn't hear so good.
The Beechey:  True dat. 
Me:  Maybe you guys should have wrote the tests in Super Slow Motion?