Special Announcement - Resignation

TEAM EXTREME

I'm sure that this is going to come as a shock to some of you on the day before the draft, but with the birth of a new season, its time for change. I'm not going to beat around the bush on this one, so here it is:

To: Jamie McClean, President TOT, Executive

      Rob Farah, Grisslie Captain, CEO, President and Former Lead-off Hitter

      James Taylor, Team Extreme Captain and Chairman Of the Board

TOT, League Members

Re: Resignation

It is with mixed emotions that I announce my resignation from the August fun tournament team known as "Team Extreme." Team Extreme has been very good to me over the last two and half years. They worked with me through countless injuries and paid all my medical expenses. Granted, they weren't the Doris Casullo volume of medical expenses; but still, they gave me a chance to play when no one else would. The organization is first class all the way and they have shown a commitment to "little guy" like none other.

Until now that is....

I would also like to announce the formation of a new team for the August tournament which will be called "The Lollipop Guild".  Joining The Guild was not an easy decision but it is definitely the right thing to do.  I was first approached by Paul Gyori last summer in a drunken stupor that brought with it unparalleled clarity; as drunken stupors often do.

Paul suggested the idea of an under 5'8" team as a way to showcase the talent of the vertically challenged who have been continually put down by the pompous, devil-may-care, height enhanced people who seemingly think that baseball and playing first base is their birthright.

There have already been a few key recruits that we are now able to announce.  Paul (Starsky) Piellusch will be patrolling center field and Steve (The Web Master of his Domain) Ross will be protecting the middle infield.  Also, Paul (The Stick) Hargreaves has agreed to come aboard as our right handed power hitting catcher.  All three have signed irrevocable letters of intent to join the team.  I'm sure they'll hold up in court.

We also have an 'unconfirmed' signing of Wayne (Chicklets) Bickford as our starting pitcher.  He will also likely be the relief pitcher.    

The purpose for making this announcement so early in the year is that we anticipate having to do a lot of work in the areas of recruitment, reviewing game film, spring and mid summer workouts and contract negotiations. The requirement for being on the team is that you MUST be under five feet, eight inches (172.7cm) tall.

There was speculation of this announcement over the winter and there have been unconfirmed reports of people trying to devise clever strategies around making themselves 'appear' shorter in an effort to join a team that will clearly be dominant front runners. Please understand that we won't be thrown off by horizontally striped shirts, or by people wearing their belts at mid-thigh level, or by wearing french berets and scarves.

Therefore, all players will have to come with a doctors note validating their height.

Vertically challenged players are sprinkled throughout the league and on August tournament teams so we will start having individual player meetings in an effort to lure some away with a great bonus plan that we've put together. Depending on a player's particular position, rating and length of service, we will be offering some of the following incentives to becoming a certified Guild member:

• Rubber maid step stools to get in and out of a Honda Civic easier
• Fourteen ounce bats
• The "Gary Coleman" Coleman cooler
• A 12 pack of Labatt's 50 in the old stubbie bottles
• The complete set of Dorf on Golf tapes (on beta)
• Pinball Clemons signed jersey

We will be appealing to the league for permission to carry a few extra players because we don't want anyone under 5'8" to be left behind. Considering that all but two or three of eligible players are rated seven or worse (mainly because we're held down by the Tall Man) we're hopeful for this special request to pass. To quote Tommy Lasorda the great Dodgers manager, "its not about winning and losing, its about kicking the crap out of the Giants". Truer words may never have been spoken and we'll aim to do likewise; although the 'giants' we'll be playing are little different.

In order to ensure political correctness and some accountability and respect among teams and players; we will also be petitioning the league to change the name of the "short stop" position to:

a) The place between second and third
b) The other second baseman
c) The 2nd and 1/2 baseman
d) The guy beside 3rd
e) The 'tweener
e) The infield rover
g) The infield left fielder

The first order of business has been satisfied as we have established that core baseball competency of 'strength up the middle'.  Additionally, Paul Gyori and I will co-captain the team.  The next tick on the check list was identifying Steve Ross as the bench coach, Paul Piellusch as the hitting coach and Paul Hargreaves as the base running consultant.  Until the contract terms are agreed to with Wayne, I'm afraid that I can neither confirm nor deny that he will or will not be the pitching coach.  Possibly.

Next up for us will be finding the pitching coach, a strength and conditioning coach (critical), a fielding consultant, a sports psychologist (mandatory), and a third base coach. We will then start fund raising so that we can also get a first base coach. Unless of course we sign up Cal Steeves and then Bev can coach first and scare the crap out of me again.

If things go as well as hoped, we are may consider playing a charity game against some neanderthals during the Help The Kids Tournament. 

If you are under 5'8" (not "AT" or "CLOSE", but under) and want to play for The Guild, you can either comment to this BLOG or shoot me or Paul Gyori (gyorip@Sympatico.ca) an email.  We take care of our own.  And thankfully, we've cornered the market on Paul's which is a key to success (Molitor, O'Neil, Waner, Konerko, Assenmacher, Quantril, Mirabella, Sorrento, Splittorff, Spoljaric, to name a few...or perhaps all of the Paul's in major league history). 

To all the tall freaks out there...you are on notice. Because, "we represent The Lollipop Guild baby!"

Yours sincerely,

Douglas Dwyer
Paul Gyori

PS.

The Lollipop Guild is accepting resumes for a bat boy.  Must be able to carry bats, fetch water, collect beer tickets, maintain a clean work area and be 6 foot 3 inches in height or above. (The ideal candiate will answer to 'Freak' or 'Gimp')