The Winter Meeting

Live, from the Donini Deck

It was a frosty, snowy night when I was summoned to the Donini Deck for our winter meeting. 

ROB:  Hey....how's your winter been?
ME:  Cold.
ROB: Yeah, I see the weather has made you really chatty.
ME:  Yep.
ROB:  Did you have a good Christmas?
ME:  Yep.
ROB:  Did you go anywhere.
ME:   No. 
ROB:   Did you get anything fun?
ME:   Not really.
ROB:  Want to know what I got?
ME:  No.
ROB:  Okay then, I'll tell you.
ME:   Great.
ROB:   Sue and I decided to give each other money this year instead of gifts and then we could go out and buy our own stuff. 
ME:  Sounds like a good idea. 
ROB:   Well...that's not entirely true.  Sue actually gave both of us money because I'm not allowed to touch the bank account anymore. 
ME:   Oh?
ROB:   Yeah, Just because I paid in advance for 20 Leaf's playoff seats, post lock out.  Geez. 
ME:  Hey, they're 2-1, you might cash in yet.    
ROB:   Ummmm, not this lock out.  The last one.
ME:   Ouch!
ROB:   Yeah, but I digest.
ME:   Digress?
ROB:   You bet.  So like I was saying ....  I got this money to buy a Christmas gift and I was trying to decide what to get.  I thought of a new glove, car accessories, something for the team; but the more I thought about it the more I was thinking that I should get something for me AND Sue.  You know?  That whole true spirit of Christmas thing? 
ME:   I like how you're thinking.
ROB:  So I start thinking, maybe a TV, carpet, something for the yard and then it hits me!
ME:  Like the foreshadowing of lightening on the steel plate in your head?
ROB:  ZAP!  You got it!  So it hits me and I realize that most of the time we spend together is actually spent sleeping.

ME:  Ok.
ROB:  And I've got to tell you, 2012 was NOT a good year for sleeping.  I don't think there was more than a handful of times where we both slept through the night.
ME:  Do I want to know why?
ROB:  Yeah, I think the bed is crap.  Let me ask you, what kind of bed do you have?
ME:  You mean size?
ROB:  Yeah.
ME:   Queen.
ROB:  Ours was a queen.  I think that was the problem. As you know from my Baseball play, I'm VERY mobile.  Its the same way when I'm asleep.  It makes it tough for Sue, there's no room left because I'm so athletic, I'm all over the place.  I'll tell you, some mornings I wake up completely exhausted. 
ME:  Okay, so you upgraded to a King?
ROB:   Well that's what I was thinking!  So I go to the bed store telling them I want to upgrade.  You might not know this but it ain't like buying a car. 
ME:   What do you mean?
ROB:   There's no trade in value for your old mattress!
ME: Seriously?
ROB: Ya!
ME:   No.  You seriously thought there would be?
ROB:   For sure.  But no.  I tried to argue, but to no advil. 
ME:  Avail. 
ROB:  Whatever.  So I have to be careful with the money with the zero trade in allowance and memories of the Leaf tickets that are still in my ball bag.  So I tell the guy at the store, lets call him......Vinnie, that I need a King bed.  He starts asking questions and shows me a couple of beds. 
ME:  What as the price like?
ROB:   All over the place.  799 - 1799.  The problem was that the low end was way more than I wanted to pay.  For god sakes, ITS A BED, it's not like its a television. 
ME:  Fair enough.

ROB:  So I hum.  I haw.  I hum some more.  And then sales guy comes back and says, 'sir, I can see your struggling with this decsion'.  I go, YES I AM! He says, 'you look like a man of the people. Someone who isn't satisfied with the conventional decsion'.  I swear to god, this sales guy could look right through me like I was aluminum foil. 
ME: Saran wrap?
ROB:   Yeah, saran wrap.  Then he says, 'I bet all your friends have queen or king beds don't they?'  I of course reply in the infirmary. 
ME:   In the affirmative?
ROB:   Yeah.  I think so anyway.  I said "yes". 
ME:   The affirmative.
ROB:  Right.  And he goes, 'all your friends with their common place beds are lacking pizazz, creativity and ingenuity.  You need to break the mold.'
ME:  Where's this going?
ROB:  Well he says to me, 'how would you like to be the first of your friends to have a Court Jester bed'?
ME:  You're kidding.
ROB:  Swear. To. God.
ME:  A court jester bed. 
ROB:  Yeah!  I mean look at me!  Do I look so common place that I should have a plain old King sized or Queen sized bed.  Don't answer that question, its deplorable. 
ME:   Rhetorical?
ROB:  Yeah.  Its clear cut, right?  I'm creative.  Just look at the songs I write!  I have pizazz at least once a week, we order it from the Village.  And I haven't had ingenuity but I know I'm not inoculated against it, so its still possible.  I knew right away that the court jester bed was for me. 
ME: And what exactly is a court jester bed?
ROB:  Its only the best bed EVER!!!
ME:  Really?
ROB:  Yeah, you should consider getting one.  Its huge for starters.  Its 76 inches wide by 80 inches in length, can you imagine that?
ME:  Aren't those the dimensions of a king bed?
ROB:  I don't think so.  But that's only half the fun.  The bed is purple, yellow and red and has bells hanging off the corners. 
ME:   Good god.  You're kidding. 
ROB:  Nope!  Awesome, right?  And the best part?  The end of the bed curls up.  Figging amazing.

ME:   Like a Jester's shoes?
ROB:  Yeah!  don't you love it?
ME:   You're a mess.
ROB:   You turn on me as soon as I have something better than you.
ME:  Like your court jester bed?
ROB:   Yeah.
ME:   How much was it.
ROB:  Well, its a collectors item, its gonna cost extra.
ME:   Uh-huh.  Like how much extra?
ROB:   Well it was in the 2 grand neighbourhood.
ME:   2 GRAND???  You wouldn't pay 799 for a regular king bed, but you pay 2 grand for a king sized "Court Jester" bed that's purple, yellow and red with bells and a curled foot board?
ROB:   Now you're sounding like Sue. 
ME:   Because Sue's smart!  So other than the price, is she okay with bed?
ROB:  She's kind of pissed about the bells. 
ME:  Why...do they chime every time you roll over?
ROB:   Well, there's that too, but the cat bats at it all night. 
ME:  And that keep her up....
ROB:  Sort of...
ME:   Sort of?
ROB:  Every time I hear a bell ring I stimulate
ME:   Stimulate?
ROB:  Yeah, like spit.
ME:  Oh, salivate.  When you hear a bell you salivate?

ROB:  Yeah, I'm like provolone's dogs.
ME:  Pavlov.
ROB:  Right, like Pavlov's dogs.  Anyway, she can't sleep because with all the bell ringing the court jester bed is SOAKED!
ME:  Gross.
ROB: You're telling me....when the purple and yellow run together, it isn't pretty.
ME:  Well, at least you got a collectors item.