Chuck Cragg.
Where does one even begin with a guy like Chuck?
Everyone knows that Chuck is the class of the league. As much a gentleman as he is a ball player. And that doesn't even take in to account the stunning good looks. But, I guess to really know Chuck, you have to know where he came from. Its the evolution of Chuck, or as we like to call it; the Chuck-o-lution. We've done a lot of the Question / Answer type format pieces here at The BLOG but Chuck is far too modest to concent to that. So, we sent our crack research team across the world to dig up the story behind the story.
The Cragg's were a hard working and god fearing family that made a name for themselves in modeling, baseball and the postal service. Chuck's great great grandmother Maria Bella Cragg was one of the first models in the Sears catalogue.
MARIA BELLA CRAGG MODELING
REVEALING SWIM WEAR CIRCA 1892
Chuck's great grand father had a "cup of coffee" with the Philadelphia A's in 1907, getting into 1 game and pitching 1 2/3 innings, giving up 3 runs and hitting 2 batters. He subsequently stormed out of an anger management session and was never seen again.
Salvatore Domenico Cragg, being tested for steroids before a 1907 game.
So these piece parts helped form the sum of what we know as Chuck Cragg.
Chuck was born in Fenelon Falls Ontario in August of 1969. Due to recent privacy changes we can't give out his actual birthday but, he shares the date on the calendar with Ogden Nash (poet), Gene Roddenberry (star trek creator), Willie Shoemaker (jockey), Bobby Richardson (NY Yankee second baseman), Bill Clinton (I swear to God this is true), Gary Gaietti (Minnesota Twins 3rd baseman), Ron Darling (Pitcher), John Stamos (Wikipedia is never wrong) and Matthew Perry (same day AND same year).
As a child, he was known in "The Jewel of the Kawarthas" for his sharp wit, million dollar smile and canon arm.
His first job was delivering the Fenelon Falls Gazette at 7 years old. Sadly, he was fired for "purposefully" drilling newpapers through customers front windows. To this day, Chuck claims that "the wind caught it". Thirty one times apparently.
While shagging golf balls at Mitchell's Golf and Country Club one summer, Chuck was "discovered" by John G. Avildsen, the director of The Karate Kid. After a series of gruelling screen tests, Chuck landed the much coveted part of Johnny Lawrence, the bully that got the crap kicked out of him by Ralph Macchio at the end of the movie. After the success of the Karate Kid, there was a string of "CBS after school specials", and a guest appearance on "Gimme a Break" where he played Nell Carter's sassy, back-talking, illegitimate son.
Shortly thereafter, Chuck joined Mark Doyle and Kevin Boston as the backbone of Marky-Mark and the Funky bunch. While the vanilla hip-hop styling had appeal from the beginning, they didn't really take off until Chuck joined and added a break dancing component to the show.
Ya! Boyee...Chuckie breaks!!!
Sadly, despite chart successes, ridiculous riches and unparalleled fame, the group disbanded over creative differences. Kevin Boston was quoted as saying, "parting is such sweet sorrow". Chuck replied with, "speak for yourself Sally, I'm gone, Peace out. Word."
That takes us to "Chuck Cragg - The Missing Years".
Chuck radically changed during this period and no one knew why. Until now. It was only through extensive use of google that we were able to discover what really happened. Chuck traveled to the furthest reaches of the Arctic, wearing nothing more than a Keswick dinner jacket and a pair of Kodiak's. When he reached a particularly isolated and barren spot he took the portable tent off of his back and hurled it as far as he could. With the thin air up there and Chuck's arm; it went a LONG way! Suddenly there were shining lights in the moonless sky and the tent bag started to sink into the snow. Shortly thereafter, a large structure began to emerge from the hole left in the snow. And out of that hole, slowly emerged, "The Big Unit".
When the ground had finally settled, Chuck went up to his "Unit of Solitude" and opened the door to enter. Much to his surprise, the fridge was packed with Coors lite. Being a sensible lad, Chuck took one. Everytime Chuck took a beer, a holigraphic image of one of his ancestors would appear. Further to that, the images spoke words of wisdom to him.
There is no way to really know all those tidbits of information that Chuck was able to glean from his ancestors; but its safe to assume that generations worth of knowledge we imparted that made him a leader in both baseball and the mail and parcel delivery service.
Moses was said to have wandered the desert for 40 years. There is no telling how long Chuck was in the "Unit of Solitude", but rumour has it that the fridge had a magical quality that replenished beer. With a limitless supply of beer, its not unreasonable to assume that Chuck was there for years.
Chuck emerged from the "Unit of Solitude" a changed man. No longer the angry former child start, the breakdancer who wasted millions or the failed newspaper delivery boy. He immediately mended fences with his former band mates and preformed a charity concert in his home town of Fenelon Falls to raise money for the Karate Kid Museum that had fallen into disrepair.
The "new" Chuck joined the Tottenham Oldtimers League and was immediately ranked as a top player. As many of you know, we rank players 1-12 to ensure that we have balance on all teams. Its a system that works great. Last year, a motion was raised at the Annual General Meeting by Rob McCarron asking that we rename the #1 rank to the designation of "The Chuck". The motion was quickly shot down by Tito Presenza who correctly stated that there can only be one "The Chuck".
The Speech
Just when you thought that Rob had fallen into a predicable pattern, he steps up and amazes us AGAIN! This weeks speech entry was written from the "Chuck" prespective and was written in the 1st person. I gotta tell you that I was a little thrown off by the whole thing, but anytime you get to hear Rob do his Axel Rose impression and that little wiggle dance thingy, its worth the price of admission! (Click as usual for the tune, but I'm betting even Cheryl knows this Guns and Roses classic!)
Drank a beer 'cause it’s what I do
My socks are still argyle
Man, I think about turning two every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But now I play with ease
There is no doubt I’m going to start now
Said, Vonda “take it slow”
Don’t throw to hard to first
All you need is just a little patience
Said Tony, “make the throw”
The team will come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
Patience...
Sittin' here on the bench
'Cause my arm hurts to the bone
At least I can watch Steve Ross gallop like a reindeer
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time
But you know, The Wild are playing well and that is so clear
Said, Vonda “take it slow”
Don’t throw to hard to first
All you need is just a little patience
Said Tony, “make the throw”
The team will come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
This team has got what it takes to make it
We won't fake it, Oh never break it
'Cause I can't take it
...little patience, mm yeah, ooh yeah,
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more patience
(Whistle solo)
I've been playing these games at night
Just trying to get it right
It's hard when the bad hops abound
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd
And the teams don't change but maybe the name
I always got time for the game
'Cause I need to
Yeah, yeah well I need to
Oh, I need to
Whoa, I need to
Ooh, this ti- me....
The Game
Even though the Grisslies are off this week, you can't have a BLOG without a game report!
I had the extreme pleasure of playing with the Red Dogs last night. The Red Dogs are like this year's community team, averaging 2-3 subs per game. In all fairness, I think Bob Candy would have rather have played short a man than have me there, but he sucked it up and let me on the field. And center field at that! Good man that Bob. I'm happy to report that the Red Dogs won the game by 4 runs but I'm a little sketchy on the exact score.
I was THAT focused!
Okay, I probably wasn't, but I was in complete awe over Mike Candy's 2nd & 3rd at bats of the game. He only saw one pitch in both plate appearances and hit majestic home runs with both his swings. Congrats Red Dogs!
After that, I foolishly decided to play a second game for the Torn Ligaments who were short a guy or two. It was good game & I got to enjoy a second win on the night, my back isn't too happy with me right now!
I'm just hoping to recover in time for the Fraser Avenue Festival tomorrow!
Next Grisslie game & BLOG on Monday!
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